Give her Jane Seymour’s “Open Heart” pendant from Kay Jewelers — the world’s only bejeweled inkblot test — and gauge her reaction.
“Thank you, it’s beautiful!”
Your mother is either really polite and an excellent liar, or, she just has no taste, which you sort of figured when you saw her clothes shopping at Hallmark.
“Um… a Z? But I don’t have a Z in my name…”
Your mother, like 99% of the population, does NOT see this a an “open heart” but rather as a squiggly “Z.” Only a celebrity can say “Hey, look at this Open Heart design!” and have anyone agree with her that that must be what it is.
Your mother immediately spotted the butt cheeks at the bottom of the pendant. She is anal. You’ve found her furiously scrubbing the garden before, so you already knew that.
Or, your mother’s first thought was that you’re an ASS for giving her jewelry Cracker Barrel would find too cheesy to sell.
If your mother thinks the pendent looks like a ball sack, she has long dreamed of lopping off your father’s testicles and wearing them like a trophy around her neck. Or, perhaps, she already has.
“Tits and ass?”
This would explain why your mother divorced your father long ago, and has a very close female friend named Rocky.
Though at first the Open Heart appears to be a simple piece of jewelry, it is, in fact, a very complicated necklace. Jane Seymour did NOT just doodle on a napkin and then, thanks to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, managed to turn it into a jewelry store’s highlight piece. Turns out she’s actually a Freudian genius.
Cue the music!
Every Disappointed Groan Begins with Kay.
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