Email This Post HomeHumorJane Seymour’s Open Heart Ink Blot Test Amy Vansant May 7, 2011 Humor 4 Comments This Mother’s Day, give the gift that reveals your mother’s inner secrets. Give her Jane Seymour’s “Open Heart” pendant from Kay Jewelers — the world’s only bejeweled inkblot test — and gauge her reaction. RESPONSE: “Thank you, it’s beautiful!” POSSIBLE TRANSLATION: Your mother is either really polite and an excellent liar, or, she just has no taste, which you sort of figured when you saw her clothes shopping at Hallmark. RESPONSE: “Um… a Z? But I don’t have a Z in my name…” POSSIBLE TRANSLATION: Your mother, like 99% of the population, does NOT see this a an “open heart” but rather as a squiggly “Z.” Only a celebrity can say “Hey, look at this Open Heart design!” and have anyone agree with her that that must be what it is. RESPONSE: “Butt cheeks?” POSSIBLE TRANSLATION: Your mother immediately spotted the butt cheeks at the bottom of the pendant. She is anal. You’ve found her furiously scrubbing the garden before, so you already knew that. Or, your mother’s first thought was that you’re an ASS for giving her jewelry Cracker Barrel would find too cheesy to sell. RESPONSE: “A scrotum?” POSSIBLE TRANSLATION: If your mother thinks the pendent looks like a ball sack, she has long dreamed of lopping off your father’s testicles and wearing them like a trophy around her neck. Or, perhaps, she already has. RESPONSE: “Tits and ass?” POSSIBLE TRANSLATION: This would explain why your mother divorced your father long ago, and has a very close female friend named Rocky. Though at first the Open Heart appears to be a simple piece of jewelry, it is, in fact, a very complicated necklace. Jane Seymour did NOT just doodle on a napkin and then, thanks to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, managed to turn it into a jewelry store’s highlight piece. Turns out she’s actually a Freudian genius. Cue the music! Every Disappointed Groan Begins with Kay. About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) A Screaming Bobcat, Another Free Book, Giveaway, Steals & Deals! - February 5, 2020 A Thank You & Free Short Story, Pineapple Disco 99c, Win a Kindle Reader - January 30, 2020 Two Big Favors (YOU can get me on TV), Giveaways and Deals - January 22, 2020 4 Responses aiyana May 7, 2011 perhaps enough time has passed that Solitaire has regained her magic sight after being defiled by Bond, James Bond… 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant May 7, 2011 I do have to give her props for being in the Scarlet Pimpernel with Anthony Andrews, just about my first crush ever. Of course, the fact that my first crush was in a BBC production and not on the cover of Tiger Beat, surely seals my fate as a first class nerd. 0 likes Reply Cathy June 2, 2014 I am do glad to know somebody else feels this way about those awful things. Butt cheeks, that’s what I’ve always seen. I have made it very clear that Mom does *not* want one of those necklaces. Ever. But I feel torn, because I’ve always loved Jane Seymour. 0 likes Reply Barbra April 3, 2019 Doesn’t resemble a heart to me at all. More like a serpent or a snake. Not saying it’s ugly, but, I’ve seen much better heart designs that actually look like a heart. A friend of mine got a simple Open Heart pendant for Christmas and a lot of people thought it was a serpent or snake she exchanged it for heart shaped locket that was absolutely beautiful and in my honest opinion a much lovelier design. She was much happier with the locket and wears it all the time. I own a lot of heart pendants, but, this design is not one that I would want to add to my collection. The fad to own one of these seems to be wearing. Seem more and more people are wanting pendants like the classic heart shaped pendant that’s been around for years. Those will aways be around. The Elsa Perretti heart shaped pendant for example. That is really beautiful and a far superior design than Jane’s “Open Hearts” collection. 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply to Cathy Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!