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Life’s Suggestion Box: To my husband, so that my body may be identified

Amy Vansant
Humor, Women's Humor
32 Comments

Camel Spiders - Go ahead and try to sleep now. I dare you.

TO: My husband, so that my body may be identified

SUGGESTIONS:

In the summer, after our daily walk in the woods with the dog, we check each other for ticks. Not like monkeys, pawing through each others hair. Just a head to toe eyeballing to see if any of those heinous little head-buriers are slowly making their way up our torsos to setup camp in our armpits.

We do this, because once you find one tick, for the next three months you feel like invisible armies of insects and vermin are swarming all over your body.  The effect is akin to someone breaking into your house or car; you feel violated.  After an arthropod attack, every little itch under the covers makes you imagine a 8″ long camel spider creeping across your shins.  On his way to play pinochle with a Goliath beetle.  Using maggot poker chips.  Brought by cockroach cocktail waitresses.

Let’s just say you haven’t had a bad hair day until you’ve convinced yourself your hair is alive with African Stick Insects.  Sure, you don’t live in Africa, but logic has nothing to do with it. You were just imagining bugs playing poker.

So, everyday we look for ticks. And every day, husband dear, you say, “There’s one!” while pointing to the dark freckle on my left thigh.

Beyond the general annoyance of having to point out every 24-hours that my freckle does not have legs, there is a much greater concern.

What happens if my body is discovered, partially burned or otherwise disfigured, and you only have “identifying marks” with which to work?

I’ll tell you what will happen. I’ll end up in a drawer with a tag that says “Jane Doe” tied to my toe.

Policeman: Mr. Brunell, can you tell us if this is your wife?

Mike: Ummmm… No… I don’t think so. But whoever she is, she has a tick on her leg. Ew!

This isn’t an unreasonable fear. My people have died horribly before. Peter Benchley based Jaws, in part, on a 1916 shark attack on Charles Vansant. Granted, he wasn’t dragged out to sea, he had the good fortune to bleed to death on the manager’s desk at the Engleside Hotel. But you can understand my concern.

So here are my suggestions to you, oh love-of-my-life.

1. We should get tattoos. Nothing that shows, just our names and social security numbers stamped to the bottoms of our feet. Of course, if we are murdered super-villian style, by being slowly dipped into a vat of crocodiles or acid, that won’t help.  But, as everyone knows, just before our toes hit the acid crocodiles, the bad guy will announce his evil plans for the next several weeks and then leave the room, confident that we will be dead in short order. At that time, we’ll wriggle free and leap to freedom. But, maybe we should get it tattooed on our scalps just in case he hasn’t read the super-villain handbook.

2. We should make some sort of constellation map of our freckles and moles. We’ll get a big white sheet with the outline of a two bodies on it (prone, front and back) and map all our identifying marks. Then, when the cops want us to identify a body, we’ll just roll out the sheet and compare. Maybe we could just cut out the spots where the marks are and then lay the sheet on top of the body to line them up with pins, sort of like Lite-Bright.

3. We should start to ingest some sort odd compound that won’t kill us, but would show up on a lab report. After all, that poor girl in Jaws was just a pile of hair and crab feces by the time she washed up.

Autopsy Dude: “There seems to be an unusual amount of  arsenic in the body.”

You: “That’s her! That’s Amy! I’ve been feeding her arsenic for months!”

Problem solved. Well, my problem. I’m identified. They might want to keep you for questioning.

Amy Vansant
Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all)

32 Responses

  1. lafemmeroar

    You are a woman with foresight. I like the scalp tattoo idea. #3 gave me a giggle, but perhaps it should be changed to protect the living or at least a different concoction that’s not considered poison?

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      • Ms. D

        You know, there was an episode of CSI before (yep, serious credibility here) where they found a lot of urine in the victim’s stomachs. It was some kind of wacked-out beauty regiment, but would be non-fatal and clearly identifiable.

        Or you could just file away some DNA! Hair in the freezer…totally a normal thing to do, right?

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  2. A Law and Order viewer

    You miss the most obvious solution: breast implants. They have serial numbers which can be traced back to the patient’s name. how could your boyfriend/husband object to this practical identifying method?

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    • Amy Vansant

      Actually already had that covered…He actually claims he didn’t want me to get them, but he doesn’t seem to dislike them now that they’ve been…uh…held against him. 🙂

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  3. Lance

    I didn’t realize you were married to Jets backup QB Mark Brunell. Cool

    This post “ticks” me off.

    You should’ve played the Hives” Tick Tick Boom”

    Ok, that’s all I’ve got. Get the tattoos

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    • Amy Vansant

      Thank god it’s Mike Brunell. Mark was nearby in DC for a while and he sucked. We might have gotten killed.

      Good thing you ended your puns, because time was “ticking” for you.

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  4. Phil

    I like the ideas, but I see one problem: if you made a constellation map of the freckles and moles, what would happen if you died of smallpox? It might get confusing. I think #3 is the way to go-maybe you could both ingest camel spiders.

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    • Amy Vansant

      Nice point – any sort of spotty disease could really confuse the issue. Ok #2 is out. I’m not sure your other suggestion would work though, what with the popularity of Camel Spider Hair Soup.

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  5. Pickleope

    Well, you could have your DNA mapped by the government, OR you could paint your posterior with ink and make several prints of your imprint on a paper/parchment. No one (not even sharks) wants to eat the ring piece and it’s more unique than a snowflake. That’s science…I think.So get to cataloging butt imprints!
    And yes, ticks are horrific.

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  6. Amy Vansant

    I am so relieved!! All this time I’ve been wondering if that guy who arrested me and made me make butt imprints was a REAL cop, and now I know it was all totally legit!

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  7. Amy B

    I’d go with the tattoo thing. Just two small ones in hidden places. Scalp, under a boob, butt crack… you know… general places…

    Besides, the freckle map would be difficult if you spent a particularly sunny summer on a beach. My man friend has quite the freckled farmer’s tan that seems to lighten/darken throughout the year. Super sexy, but not practical in body identifying situations.

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  8. Courtney

    what a great idea! I especially like the one about getting your name and ss tattooed onto your feet, just incase whoever kills you wants to steal your identity 😉 haha-great post!

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  9. Jessica

    Wow… Amy, I WANT to still love you, but you had to go and post that 8-legged abomination that will 100% be tattooed on the insides of my eyelids for the next 24 hours, causing lack of sleep and constant jumping at anything that brushed up against me.
    Sigh… ok I still love you, but girl… NO MORE SPIDERS PLZ!!!
    xo

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    • Amy Vansant

      After I stumbled on that picture I pretty much just stared in horror for the rest of the day. Sorry for sharing my joy!!

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  10. Draven Ames

    Too funny. You’ll get a haircut and suffer identity theft at the same time, with those tattoos.

    We get spiders around our house all the time. They make you imagine they are everywhere.

    ~Draven

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  11. Basia

    LO once sent me a photo from Afghanistan of a camel spider he found near his sleeping bag. I pretty much didn’t sleep for a month. I like your tattoo idea but I think instead of the social security number, it should be your Visa account number. Just think how convenient online shopping would be if you didn’t have to reach for your wallet every time and could just look on the bottom of your foot. I have a bunch of moles and birth marks that I can be identified by, but I doubt that LO would ever even notice things like that. I may need to employ some of your strategies.

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    • Amy Vansant

      Before finding that picture I never Dreamed something so horrible could exist outside of a horror movie. How could you sleep outside knowing those things are around??

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  12. Sassy Pants Momma

    My husband and I both have quite a few tattoos so identifying either of us wouldn’t be a problem unless the vat of acid scenario came into play……..
    p.s. I had to go put my hair up in a bun after reading this because every time a hair brushed my neck I was convinced it was the camel spiders!!

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  13. Christina Lee

    heh heh–loved reading that (and your JAWS reference), but I have to click off now before that abomination up there GETS ME (is that seriously a spider?!/!?!)!!!

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    • Amy Vansant

      The original story on snopes says that claims they can grow “as large as dinner plates” and run 25 mph are false. They CAN be 6′ wide and run 10mph. Oh, gosh, thanks. much better.

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  14. Jeane

    The creeps and giggles all at the same time! Perfect. This isn’t going to help identify your body but I think you should paint on another freckle just to throw your husband off…just to keep things fresh!

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  15. bschooled

    I LOVE the compound-ingesting idea. Not only is it useful for body-identification, it’s like a secret that the two of you can share, bringing you even closer together.

    Let’s face it, nothing says “I love you” like difficulty breathing, excessive drool and twitching caused by the ingestion of harmful yet not life-threatening toxins.

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    • Amy Vansant

      Thanks! We decided to go with mercury. I mean, how could something that is in every thermometer be bad for you? Or Parmesan cheese. I’m kind of rooting for the cheese. We’ll need to conduct some experiments to be sure it can be detected, but I’m up for the challenge.

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  16. Barbara Jean Byrem

    Just stopping by from the blogfest. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I’m kinda slow. I really like to read the blogs,not just hit and run. Fun post, except for the bug thing. I live in the tropics. now I’ll be itching and checking for days. We have big hairy crawly things here. No camel spiders though.

    Nice to meet you.

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  17. Carrie

    I like the lite brite idea. It’s the only way my husband would ever be able to identify me. I’m pretty sure he only has a vague idea of my hair and eye color– by vague I mean he knows neither is gray

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