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13 Responses

  1. Abby

    I find suggestion No. 2 to be particularly delightful, possibly because you also take a shot at a talentless 4-year-old.

    Anyway, the way birds can somehow direct the trajectory of shit is amazing to me, as I recently had bird poop on my back (glass) door. Mind you, this door is vertical and located under the overhand of my roof, so said feathered friend would almost have to back up and directly shit with a force tantamount to a rocket launcher. Sigh…

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  2. Amy Vansant

    If you don’t take shots at the talentless 4 year-olds once in a while, they get all full of themselves.

    Please don’t show this essay to the birds in your neighborhood – I don’t want them sending messages to the birds in mine with new ideas.

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  3. Angela DiCarlo

    OMG! I laughed until my ribs hurt. You do have a way with words my dear! I love it!!! So many of us can relate to this peculiar way birds have of picking out something that they know we want to keep clean and taking a shit on it! Thanks for sharing! I truly enjoyed reading this!!!!!! <3

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  4. lafemmeroar

    HILARIOUS! Getting a grown cat ready to pounce on those pesky perching birds will rid your mailbox of the white stuff.

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  5. Amy Vansant

    Unfortunately, I think I like bird poop better than cats. (she said, as the dog fans roared their support and the cat people poised their fingers to start typing angry emails…)

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    • lafemmeroar

      I owned a cat once and his leavings were so awful I could have sworn he was human. That cat was also vicious (loving to me) to other animals. He was king of the block. But I never saw him kill any birds.

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      • Amy Vansant

        I’m an animal person in general. But cats I’m allergic to, so that doesn’t help. That and the fact that they roll on their backs begging me to pet them, and then I do, and they purr with happiness… all the way up to the moment two minutes later when they suddenly decide to remove my fingers from hand for no apparent reason. Every cat should be named Sybil.

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  6. Melissa Hicks

    You’re going to be sad about this one. No matter how long you yell at the bird, s/he won’t hold it. Did you know (gasp, fascinating fact) that birds do not have voluntary sphincters? Either that’s one really lucky bird, you’re one really unlucky bastard, or that guy spends a lot more time on your mailbox than you know. Feel happy, it could be your car.

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    • Amy Vansant

      Wow. Now I feel terrible. I’ve been coming down on a poor voluntary sphincter-less bastard! That would make a good tee shirt. A really beautiful picture of a bird and then “Birds don’t have voluntary sphincters” under it.

      What’s worse, the part where you don’t have a voluntary sphincter, or the part where you have an involuntary one? Does it sphinct against their will?

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