Email This Post HomeHumorLike a Bungee Cord to the Balls Amy Vansant July 18, 2012 Humor 25 Comments We own what I affectionately call a “Redneck Pool” (above-ground). Year three, it’s the best money I’ve ever spent, partially because pools are fun and partially because I love that my husband Mike is mortified every time we use it. When we float, lounging in our beverage chairs, he screams things like “I don’t know much, but I know I’m supposed to be floating in an IN-GROUND pool!” so the neighbors understand he is actually a prince cursed by a gypsy to live in a Maryland rancher. This year, the pool cover lost its elastic and kept blowing off. We had two choices: Buy a new cover for $14, or buy a $25 Tub o’ Bungee Cords to secure the old cover. Seems obvious, but two notes here: Mike loves bungee cords like some people love puppies. The bungees were Amazon PRIME and the cover was not. A few days later, a daisy chain of ten colorful bungee cords wrapped the outer rim of the pool, turning it from Redneck Pool to Redneck Art. Mike mocked me every time we secured our bungee cord centipede; I couldn’t do it without squinting in fear. I knew one of the connections would give way. I don’t share Mike’s blind trust in all things bungee. I also don’t lose my mind if the cheese in my sandwich is on the wrong side of the meat. Day three, one of the connections DID slip and the bungees exploded across the yard like a pack of deadly rainbow ninja worms. One of the metal ends cracked across my thumb before settling in the bushes. It felt like what I would imagine a caning would feel like if I’d done something really stupid in China, instead of just doing something really stupid in my backyard. Mike took one in the thigh. Both of us blurted something to the effect of “OW!” combined with an “F” word and started jumping up and down grasping at our parts. The house behind us operates as a makeshift nursing home and there is always an elderly person parked in a window watching us with interest, remembering what it was like to be a complete idiot. With this audience, our display might have been embarrassing, if we didn’t have large holly trees that constantly drop insanely pointy leaves. Whenever we’re outside, every other step is followed by a barrage of cursing and dancing. Screaming “FUH-OWW!” and rain dancing around the yard didn’t seem unusual to the old folks. If I could go back in time, I know I would blow the opportunity on finding and slapping the people who planted those holly trees in our yard. Panting through gritted teeth, Mike and I argued who had been more hurt. I already had a bruise on the meaty part of my thumb. Mike had a welt in the shape of a bungee end on his thigh. Tie. Idiots to the end, we tried again. One bungee had gone AWOL, so I went to get a replacement from the Tub o’ Bungees. Mike stood on the far side of the pool, his arms outstretched, holding each end of our bungee chain while I ran to the shed. I had just started back towards the pool when they snapped. Again. There was Mike, standing like a graceful outstretched bird, then a whipping noise, and then NO MIKE, as he doubled over and disappeared behind the pool. All this happened EXACTLY the moment our neighbors pulled into their driveway, from which they can see our pool area quite well. “Mike!” I called. “Are you OK?” “Hi!” said the neighbor lady, peering into the yard and waving maniacally. “Mike?” I tried again. A strange grunting noise came from the other side of the pool. “Hi!” neighbor tried again, taking her waving to the next level. I could feel the breeze on the back of my neck. I moved a little closer to the pool and whisper-screamed in Mike’s direction. “MIKE!” *groan* I thought about it a second and then tried another tack. “Balls?” I asked. Silence, and then hiss, “Balls.” I took a moment to return the neighbor’s wave before she took flight. She stood there a moment, puzzled as to why Mike dove behind the pool at her approach and then disappeared inside. I tried very hard to appear serious as I approached Mike, his face red, clutching his package in pain. I don’t think I managed to put together a comforting sentence before the smile started creeping across my face. “It’s not funny,” he said, standing, hand still clutching his twig and berries. “It’s kinda funny,” I said, quietly. “I could have lost a testicle.” “Did you?” Mike looked down. “No… actually, I think it hit the tip of my penis.” I made an unattractive snorting noise, trying to hold back the giggle fit. “Your penis took one for the team?” “Shut up.” “It heroically dove in the path of the screaming bungee clip?” “SHUT UP.” But by now, he was laughing, too. We giggled on and off about an hour, he wearing very loose shorts. About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) A Screaming Bobcat, Another Free Book, Giveaway, Steals & Deals! - February 5, 2020 A Thank You & Free Short Story, Pineapple Disco 99c, Win a Kindle Reader - January 30, 2020 Two Big Favors (YOU can get me on TV), Giveaways and Deals - January 22, 2020 25 Responses kathy July 18, 2012 now that is very funny. I’m not sure why we find blinding pain in the crotch so hilarious, but never fails to bring an “out loud” chuckle. Thanks 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 18, 2012 Because it’s a pain we’ll never have to worry about having! 0 likes Reply Nancy July 18, 2012 Well, it’s kinda like why men seem to find farts so hilarious….. 0 likes Reply Lance July 18, 2012 why must you a) print a headline that makes me cringe and feel imaginary pain? b) be so glib about your husband’s manhood? this is me staying strong for my brother in groin pain, Mike. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 18, 2012 Because it was HIS stupid idea and I WARNED HIM and because I know everyone other man would have probably done the same stupid thing. Consider it a warning for your own good. 🙂 0 likes Reply Nicole July 18, 2012 ROFL… I am THE worst when it comes to keeping a straight face during a penile/testicular injury. I don’t know why it’s so funny, but it is. H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S. And I would totally opt for the Amazon PRIME item. Because, duh, AMAZON PRIME! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 18, 2012 First rule of humor blogging – if you can’t think of anything funny, go for a shot to the balls! 🙂 0 likes Reply El Guapo July 18, 2012 Come for the headline, stay for the hilarity. Having gone through tip-of-penis pain, I have nothing but sympathy for Mike. Having incurred mine as stupidly, I can’t stop laughing either. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 19, 2012 Sorry to hear it, but hopefully your penis took the hit bravely, in defense of your testicles and wasn’t just hanging on the wrong street corner. 0 likes Reply Chooplah July 18, 2012 You should leave one single bungee under his pillow, just so he remembers. Just so he never forgets… 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 18, 2012 Nice. I like it. He’ll wake up screaming. 0 likes Reply kathy July 18, 2012 Exactly right about men, laughing and farts… the thing that gets me is: the stinkier the fart, the more hilarious the laughter… 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 18, 2012 And I love the way they look so PROUD… 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd July 18, 2012 Has he never seen a single episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos? People have made tens of thousands of dollars off of that exact scenario. I’m also afraid of bungee cords for this reason, and I don’t even have balls. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 19, 2012 We are only able to do things that DON’T make us money. I should have made that more clear. 0 likes Reply bluntdelivery July 18, 2012 You know what? If i ever stalk your backyard (cus i’m taking my own video to send in to a TV show behind your back) and you’re not floating around in a above ground pool, i will think something is wrong with the world. rock that above grounder. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 19, 2012 OMG! Was that YOU in the bushes? I THOUGHT SO! I hope you got my good side. It’s the soles of my feet. 0 likes Reply Laura R. July 19, 2012 I was laughing so hard at this post you would have thought I’d witnessed the debacle myself. LOVE it. Hilarious Post. My favorite line: “It heroically dove in the path of the screaming bungee clip?” 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 19, 2012 I did it for all Mike’s ex-girlfriends who ever wanted to punch him in the balls. Which I’m confident, having been with him for over 10 years, is ALL OF THEM. 0 likes Reply Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point July 19, 2012 I too am a big fan of bungee cords. They’re the springy and slightly dangerous cousin of duct tape. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 19, 2012 Totally explains why men love them. Thank you for clearing that up. 0 likes Reply Stacey July 28, 2012 I summarized your post to my husband. The expression on his face made it even more enjoyable. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 28, 2012 I guess we can’t imagine it. I remember in grade school I once accidentally flicked someone in the balls and they acted like I’d just repeatedly stabbed them. But really, they deserve it since we get the whole monthly thing. Fair is fair. 0 likes Reply One Funny Motha July 29, 2012 Oh no. But he wanted to go the bungee cord route. Let this be a lesson. Did he not realize he was getting even more redneck? 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 29, 2012 He was blinded by bungee cord love… 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!