Email This Post HomeHumorMom’s Panty Puzzle Amy Vansant January 25, 2011 Humor 7 Comments The other day my mother stopped by and handed me a plastic food store bag containing 50 pairs of women’s underwear in various colors and styles, most of them having at least some leaning toward granny-panties. She offered no explanation. I considered the possibilities: Mom had started buying irregular size clothing in bulk and selling them on Ebay. The panties were an investment that didn’t pan out. This would not be a totally unlikely scenario, since my grandfather did things like that back before Ebay, and once told me the worst purchase he ever made was 2000 pairs of men’s khaki’s, size 24 waist and 36 length. I never did hear if ever managed to find 2000 trans-gender super models. Mom had been killing middle-aged women for years. Fearing the long arm of the law, she finally found the strength to dump the only evidence of her crimes, her beloved trophy-panties. Powerless to burn such precious mementos, she instead decided to hide them close, but still somewhere the detectives would never find them: my ass. She had seen the strap of my thong tastelessly sticking out from my jeans one too many times, and had determined to overwhelm my underwear drawer with so many respectable panties that the thongs would be virtually impossible to find. My father was a ladies man Finding his stash of conquest collectibles, Mom passed them on to me in hopes that after the murder-suicide, I could piece together what happened, CSI-like. My mother was a ladies man. The health food craze forced the local Girl Scouts to ditch cookies for recession-proof Girl Scout Panties. Mom’s standard Thin Mint order had been automatically filled with the new product. Her love of shopping had taken a bizarre and unexpected turn, and next week she’ll be handing me a bag of 50 doorknobs. She wanted to buy me underwear, and forgot she already bought them. . . 50 times. She can be a little dizzy. Mom bought me 2 pair of underwear, but one was actually a boy. By the time she gave them to me, they had reproduced in the dim, surprisingly sexy light of the plastic bag. This would explain why some were in a younger style. I’d been picking on mom for being short, when in fact, she is a gift granting leprechaun. I had actually been thinking I needed new underwear, and poof! 50 pairs. Coincidence? Maybe… She’d been using them, stretched between two poles, to shoot water balloons across the “crick” on which they live. Now that it is winter, she doesn’t need them any more. And the fraternity across the water is relieved. She bought them years ago as ammunition for a Tom Jones concert. Sadly, she came down with chickenpox and missed the event. She had a premonition I was going to be in an accident, and panicked thinking I wouldn’t have on clean underwear. So as you can see, the possibilities are almost endless. I suppose I’m just going to have to ask her. But I’m scared. Author Recent Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Pineapple Hurricane is Released + Even More Giveaways (three chances to win a kindle) - June 4, 2020 Too Many Book Deals, Steals, Kindle Giveaways… - May 27, 2020 Name the Hurricane Winners, Win a Kindle + Books - May 19, 2020 7 Responses Kara January 25, 2011 My favored choice is number 9. I had hamsters like that once. I suspect 3 is closest to the truth, though. 0 likes Reply Kate February 5, 2011 LOVE #2! http://mimibur.wordpress.com/ 0 likes Reply Grace Lewis February 10, 2011 Did you ever solve the panty puzzle? These are all so awesome I can’t even pick a favorite 🙂 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 11, 2011 Yeah it was #2. No, actually she was in the market for new underwear and kept buying different types but couldn’t find anything she liked until she was like 100 pairs into it… I never knew she was such a picky underwear shopper. Guess she figured I’d be less picky! 0 likes Reply Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] September 21, 2011 Your mom needs to participate in this Meme. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 21, 2011 Maybe then I could get some answers out of her. But she brings me random stuff all the time. I’ve learned not to ask. 0 likes Reply laklan Skoen November 17, 2014 My sister collected every pair of “granny panties” she could get from her girlfriends and gave them to me in a shoebox. Most of them weren’t clean. I threw the lot away, threw them right in the trash. I’m not perverted but my sis thinks I am. “Hey Laklan just turned 21 let’s surprise him with a big army load of panties!” I imagine she said. Honestly I don’t know where her head’s at sometimes… 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!