Email This Post HomeHumorNever Go Food Shopping Again Amy Vansant January 30, 2013 Humor, Travel, Travel Humor 25 Comments Avoid food shopping by stuffing your face with ham and cheese stuffed donut holes and wine. Or, “How to Gain 15 lbs in Two Weeks” After driving 14 hours to our Florida vacation rental, my husband, Mike, and I were beyond exhausted. The plan had been to arrive alive and then go food shopping at the local grocery store to save money by cooking our meals in-house. But, butts numb, we agreed DRIVING to a food store was an unimaginable horror. We brought with us 24 bottles of wine, 2 gallons of vodka, 1 gallon of Sailor Jerry rum, half a gallon of Malibu coconut rum, some coffee, juice and sodas for mixers; all the vacation necessities. But, knowing that four out five doctors recommend actual food (the fifth is a raging drunk), we ordered to-go burgers from a place walking distance away. We needed something with which to pair the wine, anyway. Next morning, first day of vacation, somehow the rums ended up in my coffee. They double teamed me, Sailor Jerry and Malibu; I didn’t stand a chance. Mike had a tough decision pairing his sausage sandwich from the breakfast spot across the street, but settled on a Merlot. I’d suggested Malbec, but who was I to judge a man on vacation. By the time we returned from a post-breakfast walk on the beach, food shopping seemed like a Sisyphean task. Instead, we went out for lunch, where I enjoyed ham and brie stuffed donut holes; exactly what I would have made myself had we been home. After a nap on the beach, we discovered a tiki-bar situated strategically between the beach and our house. The frozen cocktails they insisted we try made food shopping impossible. Nothing to do but stumble home, clean up and walk five blocks downtown to dinner. After four days perfecting our food shopping avoidance techniques, we realized that between the plethora of nearby restaurants and leftovers from those restaurants, we could survive indefinitely. WE NEVER HAD TO GO FOOD SHOPPING. And so it was done. I had arrived in heaven. Fourteen days later, we returned home, much too tired to go food shopping. After a good night’s sleep we hoped to have the energy to stand in a lunch meat deli queue, but sadly, no. Since we work from home, the idea of getting back into that hell truck AND putting on real clothes without elastic waistbands made the whole idea of leaving the house ludicrous. The store was nearly half a mile away. Instead, we double-ordered lunch delivery food to ensure leftovers for dinner. We had a bit of frozen meat in the house, but no potatoes, so we started adding four extra orders of fries to every takeout meal. Like any intelligent being thrust into a life threatening situation, we improvised. Starches arrived in fry form. Five “house salads” brought greens and a shameful number of black olives to our doorstep. Chocolate milkshakes and pizza cheese provided dairy. The fruits had us stumped until we remembered tomatoes are actually a fruit, so pizza had us covered. Cheese steaks, burgers, Italian sausage sandwiches; meat was easy. Things started to get weird around day twenty. By the third time in the same week we opened our door to the delivery man, his expression had changed. Was it pity? Fear? It was hard to tell as we snatched the bags from his hands and scurried into the kitchen mumbling “my precious, my precious.” We quelled our growing doubts with mozzarella sticks. (Dairy). We ran out of wine. Ironically, that was the day Mike’s brother stopped by, making it impossible to pick “out of wine day” as the day we settled down and started eating healthy. In desperation, Mike made me a deal. If I would venture out for wine, he would do the food shopping. He’d sold his soul for a case of Cabernet. I jumped into the dreaded truck and drove to the wine store. I despise food shopping, and with this one sacrifice, nice healthy food would soon be delivered to me by my husband. Finally, we could regain some sense of normalcy. Just as soon as we finished off the last of the pepperoni rolls. Six more days went by with no healthy food. Mike pointed out that while he did agree to go food shopping, he did not say when. I refused to go. Having overdosed on fried take-out food, I found a soy burger in the back of the freezer and paired it nicely with a bag of frozen peas. Mike found a left over container of take-out mashed potatoes and a mystery meat. It might have been veal. I can hear him moving in the other room, so I know it didn’t kill him. In the freezer, we’re down to one fish of undetermined origin and a block of cheese. The refrigerator still boasts two eggs, lemonade mix and a diverse collection of condiments. The cupboard holds a can of pinto beans and a bag of stuffing bread cubes leftover from last Thanksgiving. So we’re good for today. I’m sure he’ll go food shopping tomorrow. About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Teach Your Dog to Talk, Win a Kindle, Deals & Steals - November 7, 2019 Winners of the Name the Skull Contest, Book Giveaways & Deals - October 29, 2019 The Vultures Show Up, Cool Furniture – Book Giveaways and Deals - October 15, 2019 25 Responses SarcasticNinja January 30, 2013 “Take-out” is a much overlooked part of the food pyramid. And surely you can make an excellent omelet out of the eggs, cheese, and some condiments? 1 likes Reply Carrie January 30, 2013 I like that your vacation luggage is pretty much the same as mine. Booze, booze, more booze and dog food. 3 likes Reply beduwen January 30, 2013 It’s the eventual wine run that ends up forcing us to shop for food as well…. knowing you’ll be able to have a glass later somehow makes it a little easier! I’m so with you, though…HATE food shopping! If it weren’t for those pesky kids needing to eat, I wouldn’t go. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant January 30, 2013 See, I found a way around the pesky kids. Now if only I could find a way around the pesky dying alone if I outlive my husband… 0 likes Reply Amy Bielawski December 29, 2013 I hear ya sista. 0 likes Tiffany N. York January 30, 2013 The only thing I could think of when I read this was: God help your poor colons…and livers. And then I thought, ham and cheese donut holes?????? Seriously? How were they? 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant January 30, 2013 My liver and I aren’t on speaking terms. But it was a dull conversationalist anyway and so full of bile… BAHHAAHAHA… They were REALLY REALLY GOOD. Go to Dunkin Donuts, get a glazed donut hole, push some good ham and cheese in it and nuke it for a second. You’ll see! 0 likes Reply Michele Drier January 30, 2013 Ham and cheese donut holes!?! Surely, that’s at least three of the food groups right there. 0 likes Reply Jamie January 30, 2013 Since I don’t think I’ll get the pleasure of a trip like that anytime soon – I enjoyed reading about your adventure. And I used to enjoy food shopping but now I HATE it. I try to be all thankful say things to myself like — “thank goodness we have $ to buy food — which of course I mean. But it seems like such a time drain. 0 likes Reply Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point January 30, 2013 If I ever became grossly wealthy the first thing I would do is never go food shopping again. 1 likes Reply Winopants January 30, 2013 This is all so wrong and yet so right.. We’ve gone one long binges of take-out in our house. It’s hard when your partner in crime is your own bad influence. And vice versa of course. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant January 31, 2013 YES. Every time I try and diet, there’s the devil, my husband, holding a bottle of wine and some crackers and cheese under my nose. Big skinny bastard. 0 likes Reply Deanne January 30, 2013 This was my life in the summer. I think I lived off of takeout and bulk barn food (oh and beer and wine) for two full months. 0 likes Reply Laura January 30, 2013 I’m pretty sure I can get my husband to go food shopping for you…if you buy vodka for him. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant January 31, 2013 DONE! 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 1, 2013 Here we have the same yet opposite problem. True story: yesterday I opened my mom’s freezer and a bag filled with pecans fell out. I looked and noticed a date written on it: DECEMBER 1995. The house is FILLED with inedible old food. And, my mom is also hyper conscious of how much wine she has in the house. I guess I’m not saying it could be worse, just different? 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 1, 2013 The wine thing I totally understand! We should party. 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 1, 2013 I’ll bring the 13 year old can of beans. 0 likes Amy Vansant February 2, 2013 No, I meant me and your MOM. Way to invite yourself. Awkward. 1 likes Jayna Vixen February 2, 2013 I have a toddler. And a wine addiction. I believe that a good dinner is half a bottle of malbec and some feta cheese smothered in truffle oil. This blog is effing hilarious! Always, Jayna http://www.amazon.com/Satin-Steel-Rhiannon-Dax-ebook/dp/B009XIIA4I 0 likes Reply Natalie the Singingfool February 4, 2013 I miss vacation, where it is perfectly acceptable to subsist solely on takeout and leftover takeout. Oh, and donuts and cheese = the perfect food. 0 likes Reply Suburban Snapshots February 6, 2013 You totally glossed over brie-stuffed doughnut holes like it wasn’t the BEST PART of this entire post. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 7, 2013 My mouth was full. It was hard to type. 0 likes Reply wikipedia online gambling November 6, 2013 The very popular the page with all the links, the harder inevitable a thief will edit it, detaching the links as well as any probability of gaining. Larger organizations generally have stricter, expressly written rules on etiquette. ISRO has in the past built many field installations and works together with all the international space research community on many important bilateral and multilateral research agreements. 0 likes Reply erotische Massage Köln January 21, 2014 Have you ever thought about creating an ebook or guest authoring on other sites? I have a blog based upon on the same information you discuss and would really like to have you share some stories/information. I know my subscribers would value your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an email. 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!