Email This Post HomeHumorNinja Stealth Moose Attacks Disguised as Deer Amy Vansant October 27, 2011 Humor 14 Comments Mike and I were doing our dog walk when he grabbed my arm as if I were about to step off a cliff. Mike: WAIT! Me: What? Mike: Did you SEE that? Me: What?? Mike: It’s like a MOOSE or something! Me: A MOOSE? (we live in Maryland. Moose are very rare.) Mike: Right on the trail! See??! Mike pointed through the trees like he’d just spotted Godzilla. I took a few steps around the bend to find this staring at me: Who the hell are YOU staring at? Our dog, Gordon, who LOVES chasing deer, just sat on trail in front of me, staring at the deer, because Mike had HIM convinced this deer was actually some sort of Ninja Stealth Moose disguised as a harmless deer. Me: It’s a deer! We see like 3 deer per walk. Not a moose. Mike: Yeah… but this one isn’t right. I was about 20 feet from the deer, who stood the middle of the trail, staring at me like, “Bring it on, walker bitches. Am I a deer, or am I a NINJA STEALTH MOOSE? You don’t KNOW do you? I’m all up in your heads now.” It was kind of weird. I started to see Mike’s point. Me: He IS just sort of staring at us. Mike: He’s just standing there. Me: Staring at us. Even the dog won’t go after him. At the sound of the word “dog” Gordon glances back at me, and then quickly rivets his eyes back on the “deer,” preventing the cloven-hooved killing machine from getting the drop on him. I take a deep breath. “Shoo!” The Ninja Stealth Moose (NSM™ patent pending) cocked his head. Wait. Did his disguise just shift a little? I try again, louder and with more hand flailing, because if Ninja Stealth Moose’s disguise slips and I SEE his real identity, he’ll HAVE to kill us. Those are just the rules. Even I know that. First rule of Ninja Stealth Moose Club: Protect your secret identity at all costs. “SHOO!” NSM turns around, shows me his fluffy white ass, and looks over his shoulder as if to say, “Yeah, I have some place to be anyway. You’re lucky. This time.” He runs off. As he does, two females bolt as well. We hadn’t even seen them in the trees. We had been surrounded. Me: He was just protecting the does – that’s why he didn’t move. Mike: I guess. We continue the walk. Mike: But it could have been a moose. I nod. And maybe those guys who shot Bambi’s mom were just trying to protect their families. The End Or is it? Author Recent Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) New Book on PreOrder, Giveaways and Deals (Win Kindles) - July 29, 2020 Help me write a description, new audio book site for cozies, giveaways steals & deals - July 20, 2020 Critters everywhere, giveaways and book deals… - July 10, 2020 14 Responses Abby October 27, 2011 I feel Mike’s confusion, as I swore the big-ass woodchuck in my backyard was a wolverine or a small bear. Because I overfeed my woodland creatures to make up for my lack of social life and attention from other people, the bastard had ballooned up. I swear–it looked like a bear. He still taunts me and causes me to run out into my yard yelling to get away from the feeder and waving my arms like a lunatic. Anyway, good luck with that. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 28, 2011 You’re like Cinderella, with the birds helping you get dressed… Our deer would LOVE you! 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 27, 2011 What’s the point of having handsome antlers if you can’t show them off? It could have been a Ninja Moose or a very confident, self possessed deer. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 28, 2011 I think it was a very confident deer. He’s probably a motivational speaker for other deer. 0 likes Reply Misty October 28, 2011 Robbie’s dad liked to always point out animal oddities every time we saw him. He was newly an “out in the country” liver. One day we went over there and he raced up to us and said “I just saw the weirdest bird!! You have to come over and see it!! It was hanging SIDEWAYS!!!!” Intrigued, we walked over and saw…..a woodpecker! We said “….its a woodpecker…..” He said “No, this is no ordinary bird, I’m telling you it was SIDEWAYS!!!!!!” “Uh….yeah….that’s what woodpeckers…do.” On another note, I did see a couple of camels yesterday in a pasture full of donkeys and horses! 🙂 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 28, 2011 I had a friend – ok, an ex husband, so let’s say “I had this fucking ass” who grew up in the desert. The first time he saw how many forests there are around NJ/MD he said “Oh my god – that’s crazy! There must be a million bodies dumped there!!!” That probably should have been my first clue. 0 likes Reply Woosh October 28, 2011 I would have yelled “The Buck Stops Here! Don’t Pass The Buck!” The deer would be so annoyed by my tiresome puns, that it would leave, without me having to ask. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 29, 2011 Excellent idea! 0 likes Reply Jessica October 28, 2011 Wow, beautiful animal! What an amazing sight to see and you got a photo to boot – so jealous! The Hubs has been seeing wildlife while hunting recently (bobcat, 7-point buck – not as many as your NSM though) but he never gets any pictures. I like pictures! Expecially since I never get to see these great sights myself. I even missed the bobcat that walked across our front yard one afternoon. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 29, 2011 Actually… that isn’t our real photo. I found one online that looked just like it. We spend our WHOLE walk talking about how cool it is that we have our phone with us to take photos, and then when the perfect photo opp pops up, we TOTALLY FORGET. 🙁 We do see deer ALL the time though, but it usually flashes of white tail heading into the forest… 0 likes Reply Jeane October 31, 2011 Before moving into my current home I had no idea how wildlife worked. I have learned that elk laugh in the face of a 115 lb. woman, raccoon are NOT cute little bandits but rather bitches standing ready to fight for the cat food, and deer are stealth flower be-headers! Most of the time it is a battle but on occasion you fall in love…we had a mama deer and her two babies here all summer! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant November 1, 2011 I ADORE raccoon in theory, but I have a feeling keeping them at arms length is a REALLY good idea. 0 likes Reply Amy B November 1, 2011 Ugh. The unpredictability of deer really really freak me out. I’ve ran into a few in my time on the trails/running back around my parent’s house. It usually ends up with us both stopping dead in our tracks. The staredown happens and we both back away, not breaking eye contact. Makes the heart beat faster than the running… 0 likes Reply Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness November 22, 2011 Bwahahah! You had me at the title…and I just giggled my way through the whole thing! 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!