Ninja Stealth Moose Attacks Disguised as Deer

Mike and I were doing our dog walk when he grabbed my arm as if I were about to step off a cliff.

Mike: WAIT!

Me: What?

Mike: Did you SEE that?

Me: What??

Mike: It’s like a MOOSE or something!

Me: A MOOSE? (we live in Maryland. Moose are very rare.)

Mike: Right on the trail! See??!

Mike pointed through the trees like he’d just spotted Godzilla.

I took a few steps around the bend to find this staring at me:

Who the hell are YOU staring at?

Our dog, Gordon, who LOVES chasing deer, just sat on trail in front of me, staring at the deer, because Mike had HIM convinced this deer was actually some sort of Ninja Stealth Moose disguised as a harmless deer.

Me: It’s a deer! We see like 3 deer per walk. Not a moose.

Mike: Yeah… but this one isn’t right.

I was about 20 feet from the deer, who stood the middle of the trail, staring at me like, “Bring it on, walker bitches. Am I a deer, or am I a NINJA STEALTH MOOSE? You don’t KNOW do you? I’m all up in your heads now.”

It was kind of weird.

I started to see Mike’s point.

Me: He IS just sort of staring at us.

Mike: He’s just standing there.

Me: Staring at us. Even the dog won’t go after him.

At the sound of the word “dog” Gordon glances back at me, and then quickly rivets his eyes back on the “deer,” preventing the cloven-hooved killing machine from getting the drop on him.

I take a deep breath.


The Ninja Stealth Moose (NSM™ patent pending) cocked his head. Wait. Did his disguise just shift a little?

I try again, louder and with more hand flailing, because  if  Ninja Stealth Moose’s disguise slips and I SEE his real identity, he’ll HAVE to kill us. Those are just the rules. Even I know that. First rule of Ninja Stealth Moose Club: Protect your secret identity at all costs.


NSM turns around, shows me his fluffy white ass, and looks over his shoulder as if to say, “Yeah, I have some place to be anyway. You’re lucky. This time.”

He runs off. As he does, two females bolt as well. We hadn’t even seen them in the trees. We had been surrounded.

Me: He was just protecting the does – that’s why he didn’t move.

Mike: I guess.

We continue the walk.

Mike: But it could have been a moose.

I nod. And maybe those guys who shot Bambi’s mom were just trying to protect their families.


The End


Or is it?


Amy Vansant
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14 Responses

  1. Abby

    I feel Mike’s confusion, as I swore the big-ass woodchuck in my backyard was a wolverine or a small bear. Because I overfeed my woodland creatures to make up for my lack of social life and attention from other people, the bastard had ballooned up. I swear–it looked like a bear. He still taunts me and causes me to run out into my yard yelling to get away from the feeder and waving my arms like a lunatic.

    Anyway, good luck with that.


  2. Misty

    Robbie’s dad liked to always point out animal oddities every time we saw him. He was newly an “out in the country” liver. One day we went over there and he raced up to us and said “I just saw the weirdest bird!! You have to come over and see it!! It was hanging SIDEWAYS!!!!” Intrigued, we walked over and saw…..a woodpecker! We said “….its a woodpecker…..” He said “No, this is no ordinary bird, I’m telling you it was SIDEWAYS!!!!!!” “Uh….yeah….that’s what woodpeckers…do.”

    On another note, I did see a couple of camels yesterday in a pasture full of donkeys and horses! 🙂


  3. Amy Vansant

    I had a friend – ok, an ex husband, so let’s say “I had this fucking ass” who grew up in the desert. The first time he saw how many forests there are around NJ/MD he said “Oh my god – that’s crazy! There must be a million bodies dumped there!!!” That probably should have been my first clue.


  4. Woosh

    I would have yelled “The Buck Stops Here! Don’t Pass The Buck!” The deer would be so annoyed by my tiresome puns, that it would leave, without me having to ask.


  5. Jessica

    Wow, beautiful animal! What an amazing sight to see and you got a photo to boot – so jealous! The Hubs has been seeing wildlife while hunting recently (bobcat, 7-point buck – not as many as your NSM though) but he never gets any pictures. I like pictures! Expecially since I never get to see these great sights myself. I even missed the bobcat that walked across our front yard one afternoon.


  6. Amy Vansant

    Actually… that isn’t our real photo. I found one online that looked just like it. We spend our WHOLE walk talking about how cool it is that we have our phone with us to take photos, and then when the perfect photo opp pops up, we TOTALLY FORGET. 🙁

    We do see deer ALL the time though, but it usually flashes of white tail heading into the forest…


  7. Jeane

    Before moving into my current home I had no idea how wildlife worked. I have learned that elk laugh in the face of a 115 lb. woman, raccoon are NOT cute little bandits but rather bitches standing ready to fight for the cat food, and deer are stealth flower be-headers! Most of the time it is a battle but on occasion you fall in love…we had a mama deer and her two babies here all summer!


  8. Amy B

    Ugh. The unpredictability of deer really really freak me out. I’ve ran into a few in my time on the trails/running back around my parent’s house. It usually ends up with us both stopping dead in our tracks. The staredown happens and we both back away, not breaking eye contact. Makes the heart beat faster than the running…



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