Email This Post HomeHumorOld guys should think before they speak. Amy Vansant October 10, 2012 Humor, Pop Culture, Women's Humor 27 Comments The other day I was talking to an older gentleman who thought because I owned a web design company, I could solve all his email problems. That happens. People figure because you have a nerd job that you’re jacked into some secret nerd database of knowledge. Because I can build a web site, logically, I can also wire a home for surround sound, program a TV controller and recite the name of every alien in the Star Wars Tatooine bar scene. I get it. I make sweeping assumptions, too. I assume every Eric Roberts movie will suck, forgetting that if you make 1000 movies a year one of them will probably be halfway decent. He is, after all, a top-notch professional prick. And in all fairness, I guess I did just admit to knowing the Star Wars bar scene took place on a planet called Tatooine, which is pretty nerdy. Anyway, just as I forgave the old guy for wasting my time, he said, “Well, let me work on this for a bit…” expecting me to hang on the phone while he rebooted and clicked random buttons and muttered just enough nonsense for me to know nothing he did would have any effect. He never asked if I was busy. He ignored all my attempts to explain to him that I don’t even use Outlook, because it sucks donkey dick, and could not possibly help him. I was just about to start slamming the phone on the desk when he said: “Well, I guess I should stop crying like a girl.” To me. A GIRL. I think that was his way of apologizing for being annoying. Speechless, I grunted goodbye, hung up, and then raged at my poor husband about the self-centered old prick I’d just talked to on the phone, the part of whom, in the movie of my life, would be played by Eric Roberts. Later at the doctor’s office, I watched another charming old gent demand at top volume that a receptionist provide him with the exact time he would be called for his turn. In the waiting room, which had been silent as a crypt, he continued his tirade by berating his wife for not bringing him earlier, “like he told her to,” pausing only to scream “you know you got a big zit coming in on your chin, right?” The other people in the waiting room tried to hide their embarrassed giggles behind month-old magazines. The old guy’s wife tried to melt into her chair. When she whispered that she was aware of the pimple and suggested he be more quiet, he barked, “You got another on your forehead, too.” *sigh* I imagine right now that man is sleeping, and his wife is standing over him. Just staring at him, her face twitching as she considers bludgeoning him to death with a family-sized tube of Clearasil. Old guys, we love you. You’re our fathers and grandfathers and great grandfathers. But in the name of Wilford Brimley, take a moment to think about the people around you before you open your mouths. I know for much of your life it felt like the world revolved around you, but there are other people on the planet. Women aren’t here just to bring you dinner and bear your children. Even the wife you think IS here for that, has thoughts independent of your needs. Someday you might need her to flip you so you don’t get bed sores. You might want to be a little nicer to her if you don’t want lime jello eight months in a row. Next time you want to bark something hurtful or stupid, shut up, and eat your damn oatmeal. Author Recent Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Too Many Book Deals, Steals, Kindle Giveaways… - May 27, 2020 Name the Hurricane Winners, Win a Kindle + Books - May 19, 2020 Name the Hurricane, Women Sleuths 99c Sale & Giveaway - May 14, 2020 27 Responses SarcasticNinja October 10, 2012 Eight months of lime jello would be too kind. I think unsweetened gelatin would do. Slurp slurp, protein substance! 2 likes Reply Karen October 10, 2012 True story: in a bookshop, an old dude was loudly demanding one of the Chicken Soup books, which his wife had apparently sent him to retrieve for her. (She probably sends him on 25 errands a day, just to get him out of her hair.) “It’s a stupid book,” Dude announces to the store. (So far, no argument, but whatever.) “I know it’s a stupid book because she’s a stupid person, and she only reads stupid books.” Everyone looks around to see who this yahoo is, and what he’s doing in the quiet, small bookstore. “She’s really an idiot,” he continues. “I don’t even know how we’ve stayed married so long.” And here, I lose it. “You know,” I say, loudly enough for everyone in the store to have no doubt that I’m speaking to Old Dude, “I’m sure she speaks very highly of you, too. You might want to think about that.” Yeesh. All of which is to say, yes. People of all ages and genders should probably think before opening their mouths. 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 10, 2012 Most definitely. The old dudes were on my mind by the old gals can be wicked rude too. I would REALLY hope my husband wouldn’t say anything that rude about me though. How awful. 0 likes Reply Angry Turk October 10, 2012 Now, Amy Vansant, you are truly speaking my language, and on behalf of angry pricks (young and old alike) everywhere, you have spoken to my heart! You don’t get the nick name “Angry Turk” by sugar-coating your tirades…and, yes, your advice is excellent, buy will be ignored by angry, patronizing men everywhere. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 10, 2012 Oh I didn’t imagine I’d actually change anyone with this article. 🙂 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 10, 2012 Tom and I were at an ATM waiting behind a lady who admittedly was taking awhile, but sometimes it just takes some time. An older man was waiting in his parked car, with the window down and yells, “Anytime today anytime today” at her. Tom and I now yell this at each other frequently but seriously what an asshole. 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 10, 2012 I can’t help but THINK those things sometimes, but to say them out loud. Come on, dude. 1 likes Reply bill major October 10, 2012 oh no not Mchale !! eric roberts lmao he plays in the worst films now since “pope of greenwich village”hahahaha 1 likes Reply Tiffany N. York October 10, 2012 Yeesh, I recently had an 81-year-old man I know make a pass at me. He implied his wife didn’t meet certain, ahem, needs of his, and that if he weren’t married… Yeah right, buddy, as if that’s the only reason stopping you from scoring with me. 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 10, 2012 Wow. How deluded do we get when we’re old. I’m a little concerned… 0 likes Reply Natalie the Singingfool October 10, 2012 My favorite is when you get righteously frustrated at some stupid-ass thing they do/say, and they refer to “woman troubles” or “that time of the month.” Classy. 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 10, 2012 I have never run into someone dumb enough to talk like that around me… They’d be talking about “that time they were in the hospital” 1 likes Reply Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point October 10, 2012 As a future older guy I was looking forward to doing a lot of speaking without thinking and offending everyone that came across my path. Oh well I’ll just go with early onset senility instead. 2 likes Reply Nicole October 10, 2012 I don’t know… I feel like if you’ve endured 80 years on this planet, dealing with all kinds of assholes for that long, you deserve the right to say whatever you want. Especially the old ladies… they’ve been repressed for so long. Once they are old and widowed, it’s like they break free. Let them pat the pizza boy’s hiney once in a while, eh? How many more thrills are they going to have? 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 10, 2012 Well of course the old LADIES can say anything they like! 🙂 0 likes Reply Alison October 10, 2012 My grandpa’s idea of a compliment for me is “Hey, you’re not doing too bad… for a girl”. I think when people get old they just lose the filter that tells them what might be appropriate to say… either that or they are just so old the don’t care anymore! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 10, 2012 I’ve noticed I care less and less what other people think of me as I get older, so I think you’re right about that. 1 likes Reply Scarlett October 11, 2012 LOL you’ve just described my granddad. I am looking forward to being old though and being able to say whatever I want xx 1 likes Reply Happy Little Feet October 16, 2012 So funny! My sister had her father in law tell her she need to put more energy into her appearance it was 6:00 am and she had the flu she was up making him breakfast. 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 16, 2012 My father once told me in similar circumstances: “Can’t you do something with yourself?” 🙂 0 likes Reply DJ Murphy October 19, 2012 Best be careful, sweety! Us old guys are now living forever and will soon, if we haven’t already, outnumber you. I do what I want, don’t pay attention to TV ads. Don’t need a soft cuddly bear (TV ad – bear obviously doing his business [how’s that for a euphemism]) telling me what kind of toilet paper will feel great on my tush. Just for fun I drive in the exits and out the enter lanes whenever possible. Just getting warmed up but also just playing. Try looking on the bright side for a while. Sometimes an antidepressant helps. 😉 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 19, 2012 Oh don’t get me wrong. I’m almost there myself. I’d like to think I’ll be nicer, but I dunno… but when I misbehave, I’ll be able to point at this post and say: “You must have misunderstood my intent, see? I wrote this!” 🙂 1 likes Reply Lady Quixote February 1, 2013 Hahaha! I love this. I’m married to one of those grumpy old men… although he isn’t grumpy like that anymore, because *I* (sort of) cured him! We met 10 years ago at work, both of us divorced, both of us – ahem – older. He was so sweet! Until the day after I married him, that is. Then, he started YELLING at me over every little thing that he didn’t like, agree with, or understand. (“WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SINGING ALONG WITH THE BEATLES OLDIES? DON’T YOU KNOW THEY WERE COMMUNIST ATHIEST DRUG USERS!” ~like that.) So, I immediately left, and discussed with my uncle, the retired minister who had married us, how to go about getting an annulment. Meanwhile, the bait-and-switch yeller I had just married calls my cell phone and yells, “THE BIBLE SAYS A WIFE IS SUPPOSED TO SUBMIT TO HER HUSBAND!” To which I replied, in a normal voice, mind you: “Yes, and in that same book of the Bible, a husband is commanded to love his wife enough to die for her. SO, Mister, if you aren’t dying, I am not submitting. End Of Discussion.” The old goat didn’t even know what to say to that! So then he got really desperate and did what his doctors had been advising him to do for at least 30 years, and which he had ignored through all of his other divorces – he went and checked himself into an in-house Veterans Program for treatment of his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You see, my husband, like a significant percentage of the men of his generation, is a Vietnam combat veteran. Today, 9 years later, I call the him my best-friend-husband. He NEVER yells, NEVER demands, and *almost never* acts like an asshole, to anybody, for any reason. On the very rare occasion when he starts to get a little out of line, all I have to do is quietly say, “You’re being inappropriate,” and he straightens right up and… apologizes! I swear I am not making this up. It’s like a miracle! My BFH says he is now the man he believes he would have been all along if he hadn’t been through the hell of a very unpopular, losing war. Amazing, huh? Today I consider myself very lucky to be his wife! My guy is 6’3”, 290 lbs, a leather-wearing Patriot Guard Rider, and a proud “Once A Marine, Always A Marine.” He is also a grandpa and a soon-to-be great-grandpa, and, underneath it all, he is a big fluffy teddy bear. Children and animals love him on sight. He’s like a cross between Captain Kangaroo and Dr. Doolittle. Also, he is FUNNY! I mean it, every day he makes me laugh. I am intensely proud of him and I love him madly. But, not enough to ever let him yell at me, because, you see: I also love me! Lady Quixote PS. Wow, I like what I just wrote here about my sweetheart. I think I’ll make this into a post on my blog, with a link back to your great post, if you don’t mind. Thanks for the inspiration! XOXO 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant February 1, 2013 Congrats! After all that, I don’t feel like I have to post something this week! 🙂 0 likes Reply Lady Quixote February 1, 2013 Glad to help! 0 likes Reply Brian May 25, 2014 As an aging guy who’s married to an all ready ‘aged’ guy, I have to laugh at this because of it’s candor, and also have to say on a daily basis I roll my eyes at the things that come out of both of our mouths I swear I won’t try to justify most of them because there really isn’t anyway to apologize after someone’s crossed the lines of misogyny, I do have to point out that these moments are not reserved solely for women, it seems some people got left behind during the evolutionary process. But if I had a nickel for anytime any younger person hinted or blatantly stated that I would be more suited for someone ‘more my age or speed <what does THAT mean?', I kindly point out that even though I cringe on a regular basis at some of the things I have to commonly apologize for, it's out of sheer ignorance and not a blatant attack. These moments will never be comfortable to me, but John has many truly wonderful aspects of his personality that often make me decide to not wander out in the world always wary of what he will say next, or who he will offend; Most often times accidentally. I'm laughing as I type this because it's almost time to go out for coffee, and I'm rather thankful for the lady who always waits patiently on us, and is quick to point out whenever John puts his foot in his mouth directly to him or later to me. He was recently away from his regular coffee joint for health reasons, and she called me over to say she was 'worried because she hadn't seen him, and she missed his uncanny ability to astound her with his ability to sound like a troglodyte'. She sounded genuinely concerned, and I've no doubt there's a place in the world for him, even though I regularly threaten him with the prospects of 'Yellow Jello for Eternity'. Great writing, I look forward to more. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant May 26, 2014 Thank you for stopping by and the kind words! 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply to Lady Quixote Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!