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27 Responses

  1. SarcasticNinja

    Eight months of lime jello would be too kind. I think unsweetened gelatin would do. Slurp slurp, protein substance!

       2 likes

  2. Karen

    True story: in a bookshop, an old dude was loudly demanding one of the Chicken Soup books, which his wife had apparently sent him to retrieve for her. (She probably sends him on 25 errands a day, just to get him out of her hair.)

    “It’s a stupid book,” Dude announces to the store. (So far, no argument, but whatever.) “I know it’s a stupid book because she’s a stupid person, and she only reads stupid books.” Everyone looks around to see who this yahoo is, and what he’s doing in the quiet, small bookstore.

    “She’s really an idiot,” he continues. “I don’t even know how we’ve stayed married so long.”

    And here, I lose it. “You know,” I say, loudly enough for everyone in the store to have no doubt that I’m speaking to Old Dude, “I’m sure she speaks very highly of you, too. You might want to think about that.”

    Yeesh.

    All of which is to say, yes. People of all ages and genders should probably think before opening their mouths.

       1 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      Most definitely. The old dudes were on my mind by the old gals can be wicked rude too. I would REALLY hope my husband wouldn’t say anything that rude about me though. How awful.

         0 likes

  3. Angry Turk

    Now, Amy Vansant, you are truly speaking my language, and on behalf of angry pricks (young and old alike) everywhere, you have spoken to my heart! You don’t get the nick name “Angry Turk” by sugar-coating your tirades…and, yes, your advice is excellent, buy will be ignored by angry, patronizing men everywhere.

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  4. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    Tom and I were at an ATM waiting behind a lady who admittedly was taking awhile, but sometimes it just takes some time. An older man was waiting in his parked car, with the window down and yells, “Anytime today anytime today” at her. Tom and I now yell this at each other frequently but seriously what an asshole.

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  5. bill major

    oh no not Mchale !! eric roberts lmao he plays in the worst films now since “pope of greenwich village”hahahaha

       1 likes

  6. Tiffany N. York

    Yeesh, I recently had an 81-year-old man I know make a pass at me. He implied his wife didn’t meet certain, ahem, needs of his, and that if he weren’t married…

    Yeah right, buddy, as if that’s the only reason stopping you from scoring with me.

       1 likes

  7. Natalie the Singingfool

    My favorite is when you get righteously frustrated at some stupid-ass thing they do/say, and they refer to “woman troubles” or “that time of the month.” Classy.

       1 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      I have never run into someone dumb enough to talk like that around me… They’d be talking about “that time they were in the hospital”

         1 likes

  8. Nicole

    I don’t know… I feel like if you’ve endured 80 years on this planet, dealing with all kinds of assholes for that long, you deserve the right to say whatever you want. Especially the old ladies… they’ve been repressed for so long. Once they are old and widowed, it’s like they break free. Let them pat the pizza boy’s hiney once in a while, eh? How many more thrills are they going to have?

       1 likes

  9. Alison

    My grandpa’s idea of a compliment for me is “Hey, you’re not doing too bad… for a girl”.

    I think when people get old they just lose the filter that tells them what might be appropriate to say… either that or they are just so old the don’t care anymore!

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    • Amy Vansant

      I’ve noticed I care less and less what other people think of me as I get older, so I think you’re right about that.

         1 likes

  10. Scarlett

    LOL you’ve just described my granddad. I am looking forward to being old though and being able to say whatever I want xx

       1 likes

  11. Happy Little Feet

    So funny! My sister had her father in law tell her she need to put more energy into her appearance it was 6:00 am and she had the flu she was up making him breakfast.

       1 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      My father once told me in similar circumstances: “Can’t you do something with yourself?” 🙂

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  12. DJ Murphy

    Best be careful, sweety! Us old guys are now living forever and will soon, if we haven’t already, outnumber you. I do what I want, don’t pay attention to TV ads. Don’t need a soft cuddly bear (TV ad – bear obviously doing his business [how’s that for a euphemism]) telling me what kind of toilet paper will feel great on my tush. Just for fun I drive in the exits and out the enter lanes whenever possible. Just getting warmed up but also just playing. Try looking on the bright side for a while. Sometimes an antidepressant helps. 😉

       1 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      Oh don’t get me wrong. I’m almost there myself. I’d like to think I’ll be nicer, but I dunno… but when I misbehave, I’ll be able to point at this post and say: “You must have misunderstood my intent, see? I wrote this!” 🙂

         1 likes

  13. Lady Quixote

    Hahaha! I love this. I’m married to one of those grumpy old men… although he isn’t grumpy like that anymore, because *I* (sort of) cured him!

    We met 10 years ago at work, both of us divorced, both of us – ahem – older. He was so sweet! Until the day after I married him, that is. Then, he started YELLING at me over every little thing that he didn’t like, agree with, or understand. (“WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SINGING ALONG WITH THE BEATLES OLDIES? DON’T YOU KNOW THEY WERE COMMUNIST ATHIEST DRUG USERS!” ~like that.)

    So, I immediately left, and discussed with my uncle, the retired minister who had married us, how to go about getting an annulment. Meanwhile, the bait-and-switch yeller I had just married calls my cell phone and yells, “THE BIBLE SAYS A WIFE IS SUPPOSED TO SUBMIT TO HER HUSBAND!”

    To which I replied, in a normal voice, mind you: “Yes, and in that same book of the Bible, a husband is commanded to love his wife enough to die for her. SO, Mister, if you aren’t dying, I am not submitting. End Of Discussion.”

    The old goat didn’t even know what to say to that! So then he got really desperate and did what his doctors had been advising him to do for at least 30 years, and which he had ignored through all of his other divorces – he went and checked himself into an in-house Veterans Program for treatment of his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You see, my husband, like a significant percentage of the men of his generation, is a Vietnam combat veteran.

    Today, 9 years later, I call the him my best-friend-husband. He NEVER yells, NEVER demands, and *almost never* acts like an asshole, to anybody, for any reason. On the very rare occasion when he starts to get a little out of line, all I have to do is quietly say, “You’re being inappropriate,” and he straightens right up and… apologizes! I swear I am not making this up. It’s like a miracle!

    My BFH says he is now the man he believes he would have been all along if he hadn’t been through the hell of a very unpopular, losing war. Amazing, huh? Today I consider myself very lucky to be his wife!

    My guy is 6’3”, 290 lbs, a leather-wearing Patriot Guard Rider, and a proud “Once A Marine, Always A Marine.” He is also a grandpa and a soon-to-be great-grandpa, and, underneath it all, he is a big fluffy teddy bear. Children and animals love him on sight. He’s like a cross between Captain Kangaroo and Dr. Doolittle. Also, he is FUNNY! I mean it, every day he makes me laugh. I am intensely proud of him and I love him madly. But, not enough to ever let him yell at me, because, you see: I also love me!

    Lady Quixote

    PS. Wow, I like what I just wrote here about my sweetheart. I think I’ll make this into a post on my blog, with a link back to your great post, if you don’t mind. Thanks for the inspiration! XOXO

       1 likes

  14. Brian

    As an aging guy who’s married to an all ready ‘aged’ guy, I have to laugh at this because of it’s candor, and also have to say on a daily basis I roll my eyes at the things that come out of both of our mouths I swear I won’t try to justify most of them because there really isn’t anyway to apologize after someone’s crossed the lines of misogyny, I do have to point out that these moments are not reserved solely for women, it seems some people got left behind during the evolutionary process. But if I had a nickel for anytime any younger person hinted or blatantly stated that I would be more suited for someone ‘more my age or speed <what does THAT mean?', I kindly point out that even though I cringe on a regular basis at some of the things I have to commonly apologize for, it's out of sheer ignorance and not a blatant attack. These moments will never be comfortable to me, but John has many truly wonderful aspects of his personality that often make me decide to not wander out in the world always wary of what he will say next, or who he will offend; Most often times accidentally. I'm laughing as I type this because it's almost time to go out for coffee, and I'm rather thankful for the lady who always waits patiently on us, and is quick to point out whenever John puts his foot in his mouth directly to him or later to me. He was recently away from his regular coffee joint for health reasons, and she called me over to say she was 'worried because she hadn't seen him, and she missed his uncanny ability to astound her with his ability to sound like a troglodyte'. She sounded genuinely concerned, and I've no doubt there's a place in the world for him, even though I regularly threaten him with the prospects of 'Yellow Jello for Eternity'. Great writing, I look forward to more.

       0 likes