Email This Post HomeHumorFood & Cooking HumorPerfect, Best, Amazing Apple Pie Recipe Amy Vansant December 24, 2012 Food & Cooking Humor, Humor, Product Reviews 6 Comments The Best Apple Pie EVER. Period. I shared with you the moving story of my obsessive compulsive apple pie experimentation during a low point in my life (The Apple Pie Defense), but I didn’t include the recipe. Shame on me. So here it is, your Christmas gift for being lovely and supportive readers of my blathering. I’m posting it one day early so you can make it for your own Christmas dinners and knock the socks off your guests, who will never touch another apple pie after they try this one, so in a way you’re ruining them for life. That can be your revenge for them letting their kids throw mashed potatoes in your hair. Perfect Apple Pie Crust (compliments of my Nanny Newton) 2 cups of flour Tsp salt 2/3 of a cup, plus 2 tbs of Crisco 4-6 tbs of ICE WATER Mix all together and then add the water until the consistency is good (not dry and crumbly, not wet and sticky.) MUST BE ICE WATER. Don’t mess with that. Perfect Apple Pie Filling (compliments of my Grandmom Vansant) 8 ½ cups of sliced and peeled apples (best using half Gala and half Granny Smith Green Apples.) SLICE THEM REALLY THIN 1 cup sugar 1/3 cups flour 1 tsp cinnamon 1 dash nutmeg 1 dash salt 1 cup of whiskey!!! <— SECRET INGREDIENT, DON’T LEAVE OUT Stick of Butter (comes later) Mix everything EXCEPT the apples & butter, and then pour onto the apples and mix up. Any whiskey will do, I find cheap old Canadian Club works best. Split the ball o’crust pastry in half, roll out half of it and line a greased pie plate with it. Pinch the edges between your thumb and index finger to make that cool little ribbon crust edge. Bake it for a little bit – maybe 5-10 minutes just to give it a head start – meanwhile, rollout the top crust. Take the apple pie crust out of the oven. Use oven mitts or you’ll burn the hell out of your hands, unless you have big calloused man-hands like my grandmother did. Put the apple pie filling in, cut up a stick of butter into pats and sit them all over the top, put the top crust on, do the pinchy thing again to seal the edges. I like to put a little egg wash or just smear a little butter on the top and sprinkle a little sugar on the crust top, too. Bake 40 minutes at 425 degrees. APPLE PIE HEAVEN. Author Recent Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Pineapple Hurricane is Released + Even More Giveaways (three chances to win a kindle) - June 4, 2020 Too Many Book Deals, Steals, Kindle Giveaways… - May 27, 2020 Name the Hurricane Winners, Win a Kindle + Books - May 19, 2020 6 Responses Abby December 24, 2012 I’m impressed, as I was expecting directions to the local bakery to go buy a pie. Merry Christmas, Betty Crocker! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant December 24, 2012 I’m a disaster as a baker, but this one thing is good in the end… Love to cook, hate to bake. 0 likes Reply Lance December 24, 2012 you had me at whiskey….bookmarked while I’m still sober Merry Christmas Amy and Mike 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant December 24, 2012 I forgot the flour in the filling mix… just added it so make sure you got the second draft! 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 29, 2012 Your grandma took stuff out of the oven with her bare hands? What a badass. 0 likes Reply Jen December 31, 2012 I love pie. Good crust is nothing to sneeze at. I’m a baker, I should know. Chill your dough before you bake it. That’s the key. 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!