Mike and I started playing tennis again, partially because we’re getting fat and partially because the lovely and talented Jen Havice (of When Pigs Fly blog) said she’d send me her famous Pimm’s recipe for Wimbledon and she hasn’t yet, so I had to make up a reason to post another tennis related blog, hint hint.
I like it when Mike and I stop playing tennis and then resume, because I always win the first time we play. And ONLY the first time we play. I win, because Mike actually tries to play WELL, which he can, and it takes him a day or two to regain his form. He whiffs while attempting to do fancy shots I find more difficult, like “getting it over the net” and “serving.”
Meanwhile, I just dink away, slowly chipping away at his manhood. In a few more days, he will rifle these dinks back at me and I’ll be diving for cover like a fat kid playing dodge ball, but for now, he’s mostly rifling them into the net to the tune of my merciless mocking.
During this golden time, I do as many dirty shots as possible, because he’s not allowed to return the ball “mean” after my dinky second serve, but I AM allowed to smack his “nice” return like a complete asshole. I made the rules. The rules say I’m allowed to be a jerk because I’m not as good as he is. When I hit the tape and the ball dribbles on to his side, impossible to reach, I raise my hands and hoot like I just served the winning ace at Wimbledon.
Mike: You’re supposed to APOLOGIZE when you hit the net like that.
Me: Apologize?? That makes no sense. It was awesome.
Mike: You apologize because it isn’t fair.
Me: Are you implying I didn’t do that on purpose?
Mike: You didn’t do it on purpose.
Me: (mumbling) I might have. You don’t know me.
His fun comes from the fact that I wear two really attractive black knee braces when I play. I have to do this keep my knee caps from shattering and sprinkling across the court like freshly fallen snow. He thinks that makes me a dork.
What he doesn’t know is every time I call out “Deuce!” in my head I compulsively follow it with “…the final frontier…”
THAT makes me a dork.