The other day I found this graphic next to my pillow —>
Which isn’t all that unusual because my husband Mike has a habit of leaving things under my pillow, ( i.e. 14 candy wrappers that he accuses me of “sleep eating”). I assume it is either his doing, or the alien figure I always think I see at night creeping around the room, which is probably also Mike, because he’s long and skinny and this would be a really good spot for an anal probe joke but I think I’m just going to let it drop.
This is the first time I ever saw my husband Mike…
So “ha ha Mike,” she said, her heart turning black with revenge lust.
Notice the odd way the “killing you while you sleep” phrase is cut like stairs at the bottom? That’s because Mike originally signed it “Your Husband” but spelled it “Your Husbad” and then couldn’t figure out why it looked wrong. So he cut it off. Turns out kidnappers don’t clip words from magazines to hide their writing style, they do it because they can’t spell.
I would pick on his horrible spelling if I wasn’t trapped in this glass houze.
But back to revenge. Using my formidable Photoshop skills I created hospital letterhead, wrote a letter, and mailed it addressed to myself. I knew Mike would open it, because the return address logo I created for the envelope made it look very official and he would assume it was one of my web design clients paying a bill. He does the bills because the only thing I do worse than spelling is mathing.
Inside the envelope I put this letter:
After reading this Mike asked me if it was POSSIBLE that making fake mental health letters and mailing them to myself with real stamps was maybe why I wasn’t getting more work done. I pretended to be very busy. Which I was…making a slightly different version to send to my Mom about my Dad.
If you’d like to use my very professional letterhead to send a version edited to fit your victim, you can download the Word Doc and edit away.
- Pineapple Lies for Nothing, One 99c, and Preorder Pineapple House Hunter Cover Reveal - October 7, 2020
- Crime Captured on Camera & Name the Bowling Alley in My Next Book - September 28, 2020
- More wildlife at my own personal zoo, a giveaway and steals and deals - September 21, 2020
The pair of you are clearly a match made in heaven.
You’re both totally nutso!
I won’t lie; my mother worries about us.
It is POSSIBLE that making fake mental health letters and mailing them to yourself with real stamps qualifies you for a stay in the loony bin yourself, but then again, it’s genius. Plus, I’ve been there. You would be an entertaining resident. 😉
It’s stunning what I’ll do on a Friday to avoid working.
I love my therapist because she’s a really good liar. She says things like “it’s not you Lance, it’s everyone else” and “I think we need a few more sessions to talk about your paranoia so my husband and I can upgrade from the Comfort Inn Suites To The Plaza Hotel in the Bahamas”.
hilarious…and Mike’s a looker…i see why you were all over that…thin though
Nice to have a doc with a sense of humor for sure.
Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I think I’m a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don’t worry. I think there’s something you can take for that. 🙂
See I think that stuff like this IS WORKING. Damn if the rest of humanity just doesn’t get it already. Enjoy the day and BE BRAVE. ~ The BOOT
Right, that’s what I’m sayin’ I — wait, what?