The Real Family Thanksgiving Turkey

thanksgiving turkeyIntroducing Real Family™ Thanksgiving Turkey *

Tired of trying to please everyone in your family with that same boring turkey? Now you don’t have to!  The new Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey is the turkey for REAL families! Weighing in at approximately 56 lbs, the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey will be the hit of your Thanksgiving meal!

What IS the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey?

It’s a Turducken!

Hey! Is that a Turducken? Heh heh heh….For the uncle who spends half of every Thanksgiving gushing about John Madden’s brief love affair with Turduckens, the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey  is a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey!

But wait, that’s not all!

It’s got SIX legs and SIX wings!

For the dark meat lovers at your table, the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey has six legs and six wings! Did we just tie extra wings and legs on a regular turkey? NO! We spent decades breeding only rare multi-limbed turkeys until we created the perfect turkey for dark meat fans!

It’s stuffed with potato chips and hot dogs!

Much like Star Wars’ Yarna d’al’ Gargan, the six-breasted dancer at Jabba the Hutt’s palace, the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey has SIX BREASTS. One of those breasts is actually a strawberry fruit wrap stuffed with potato chips and hot dogs for the headstrong child in your life who won’t eat anything BUT potato chips and hot dogs!

It’s a wild turkey!

Only the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey has a conjoined twin! One side of the turkey lived a life of luxury, the other side was strapped to a Turkey StairMaster and fed hallucinatory drugs to believe it walked the Appalachian trail over six times!

It’s a Wild Turkey!® 

For that same Drunk Uncle who loves talking about Turkduckens, one of the six breasts is actually filled with real Wild Turkey® Bourbon!

It’s Brined!

There’s always someone at the table who asks you if you brined your turkey because they read one of the 5000 articles about brining released during the month of November. Well guess what? The Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey has you covered, one breast IS brined!

It’s Tofurky®!

One of the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey’s breasts is all tofu for that fussy vegan Astrid girl your teenage son brought home for Thanksgiving dinner!  Sure they’ll break up next week, but she’s here now and she doesn’t NOT approve of grandmom’s bacon peas.

It’s free range!

Did we say the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey was a conjoined twin? We did! But we forgot to mention it is a triplet! The third turkey was only attached by one artery, and it was allowed to wander all OVER the fuckin’ place!

It’s deep fried!

Just remove the detachable breast from your Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey and give it to the member of your family who thinks his manhood isn’t complete unless he deep fries his Thanksgiving meal! He’s on fire? No problem! Just use the extinguisher included with every Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey if anything goes wrong!

It’s an Xbox!

Worried you can’t keep your kids at the table long enough to enjoy Thanksgiving with the family? Guess again! the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey’s sixth breast is an Xbox! If those little assholes even think about leaving the table, just pop Grand Theft Auto into the slot and believe us, those kids aren’t going anywhere for approximately 42 1/2 hours!

As you can see, the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey is the answer to all your Thanksgiving turkey needs!

**Do not eat the Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey if you are pregnant or plan to ever procreate in the future. Batteries not included. Do not expose to direct sunlight. If you hear Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey whispering, do not do anything it tells you. Do not leave Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey near knives, guns or weapons of any kind. If Real Family™  Thanksgiving Turkey is successful it its attempts to contact the demon Molloch, leave your home immediately and do not return.

Amy Vansant
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6 Responses

  1. Abby

    But will it read your blog or retweet you? The social media freaks will need that included as well, and adding in the weight of their ego, that would make the turkey about 396 lbs.


  2. Deb

    This just reminded me of one year on Thanksgiving, my mom wanted to make my brother in law happy, so she cooked an extra Turkey leg. When she brought the turkey out, he looked at it, looked at my mom and said, “Why are there three legs? What’s wrong with this turkey???”

    Turducken sounds really good, and well, plentiful!

    Hope you have a happy thanksgiving!



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