Don’t want pimples?
Whatever you do, don’t touch your face.
Touching your face results in what I like to call “reverse whack-a-mole pimples.” Whereas whacking a plastic pop-up mole in an arcade makes the mole go away, touching your face makes zits pop up. It’s like a touchscreen of irritation (incidentally, “Touchscreen of Irritation” was the original name of the iPad, but it tested poorly).
I should have already known about this phenomenon. Age-wise, I’m close to the back nine, and I should be busy hoarding pills so my childless ass can whack myself in the state-run old folks home someday, not fretting about kiddy issues like pimples. But instead, I spent the last few months staring forlornly at the pimples I was getting on my cheeks. My cheeks. I had never had cheek zits before.
Then I realized I’d been sleeping on my hand. I think I used to have my hand up under the pillow, and then my face on the pillow, but for whatever reason, now I was sleeping directly on my hand. Wherever my hand touched my face, a nice new crop of pimples appeared. My “fertilizing” them with Easter chocolate probably didn’t help.
It is not easy to train yourself not to do something you do when you’re asleep. Ask my husband about my snoring. And my therapist about my night-knitting.
(no Mom, I don’t really have a therapist, I would have told you. ….It’s a joke. ….Well I don’t know why jokes and lies are the same thing, they just are sometimes…. Ok Mom, I have to get back to the article now.. ok…ok…ok…ok.. bye…ok… ok… bye)
Sorry about that. What was I saying? Oh right, how to stop sleeping on my hand. I couldn’t tie my hand to my leg without my husband accusing me of reading 50 Shades of Gray, and I’d rather read Lil Wayne’s diary then that hot mess. Wearing gloves makes my paws sweaty. Cutting off my hands seemed extreme, and once I removed one, how would I remove the other?
I’ve just made myself very aware of where my hands are, and that seems to have helped. If I wake up and find them nestled under my cheek, I move them.
Fun with Pimples
But since I’ve shared with you the secret of growing pimples now we can have some fun with this knowledge.
Some pimple ideas:
- Do an off-broadway remake of The Scarlet Pimpernel as “The Scarlet Pimplenel.”
- Touch your face in constellation patterns to teach your amazed children about the stars.
- Touch your face to spell out “DIE” on your forehead to get rid of unwanted roommates.
- If you’re an Indian spinster who wishes she was married, touch yourself between your eyes.
- Touch your cheeks a LOT and then go to Halloween parties as Seal.
PS: I had a terrible crush on Anthony Andrews as The Scarlet Pimpernel, and it physically pained me to deface him for the sake of comedy. But that’s what comedy does. It tears out your heart and stomps it into little pieces.