Email This Post HomeHumorReview: ConAir French Twist Barrette Amy Vansant September 28, 2011 Humor, Product Reviews 24 Comments Every once in a while I’ll get this urge to be a girl. Usually, this happens after returning from the hairdresser, where I watched four receptionists strut around in stylish, accessorized outfits that I wouldn’t have thought of if I were a million monkeys reading a million copies of Vogue. Whenever their aloof demeanor cracks, I imagine it is because they just instictively realized that a band I haven’t even discovered yet, is no longer cool. I sit trapped in a swivel chair, propped in front of a mirror with a giant, black lobster bib across my chest, with nothing to watch other than their reflection. It’s like a SAW movie where that puppet guy ties me down and tortures my ego instead of my body. The only joy I get is when one of the waifs slips down a drain in the floor, never to be seen again. Oh but you go to the hairdresser! you say. THAT is being a girl! No, THAT is getting the gray I’ve had since I was 22 turned to blonde so I don’t look like a homeless woman. You don’t get girly points for maintaining a look just a notch above “homeless.” Thanks to this girly-urge, I purchased a ConAir French Twist that promised to make putting my hair in a French Twist tres easy! I’ve always liked that look, and thought it would be a neat thing to throw into the usual mix of ponytail and nothing. I should have known better than to believe the hype from a company called ConAir. CONHair. They told me right there on the box that this was never going to work. That and the fact that the theme from The Sting started playing the second I picked up the package should have tipped me off. The model on the back that demonstrates how the product works is clearly a mutant from another planet where everyone has perfect, sentient hair that you command into place. “Hair! French Twist! Now! Gooood hair. Go0000ood hair. Do you want a hot oil treatment? Does my liddle-widdle hair want a hot oil treatment?” She puts this conical barrette in her stupid, STUPID hair and then pulls it to “about an inch from the ends.” Do you know anyone whose hair is all one length, down to one inch when it is pulled behind their head? Even if you don’t have layers in your hair, once you pull it back, the pieces up front will be shorter that the ones in back from covering the distance across your skull. This is simple physics. Do physics not apply in France? That could explain the shape of Gerard Depardieu. Naturally, half my hair fell out of the ponytail by the time I slid it to the ends, making the whole thing impossible. I tried in vain to wrap it up anyway, cursing and tucking stray strands, but to no avail. Once, I thought it MIGHT look passable and asked my husband for his opinion (something I swore I’d never do). He burst out laughing, said, “Uh, no” and left the room. He’s learned to spot the warning signs and wisely moved away. All I have left is to ask my sister-in-law if she can do it. She can French Braid her own hair. That is like MAGIC. If she can’t do it either, then I have not failed and it is all the product’s fault. Until then, let’s just assume it is the product’s fault. About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Reptile Housewives of Jupiter, Giveaway and Book Deals - June 20, 2019 JupUp? Turtles, crabs and birds (oh my) in Jupiter Florida, Giveaway and Book Deals - June 15, 2019 Local Ebay is a Nightmare, Book Giveaway – Steals & Deals - June 2, 2019 24 Responses Abby September 28, 2011 That’s why my hair is short-ish. That doesn’t mean it looks good, but rather that I can just blame it on genes and not my inability to maneuver my way though a French Twist barrette. (Then again, when I had long hair I was all about the pony tail.) Moral of the story? I have a haircut Friday, and if I didn’t, I might shave my head tonight. Needless to say this post touched on a nerve 😉 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 28, 2011 I wish I could do short hair. I had short hair once, when I was like 13, and had an old guy my parents knew say “Is this your son?” Short hair, DONE. I guess I’m what you call a “handsome woman.” I love saying that around my husband too. It makes him groan and say “Does that make me gay?” and I tell him, “no dear, THAT isn’t what makes you gay. 30 minutes of asking me which shirt I like better on you every time we go out – THAT is what makes you gay.” 0 likes Reply Duncan September 28, 2011 Just get a mullet! : ) 0 likes Reply Jessica September 28, 2011 I can’t do anything girly so don’t feel alone. I don’t wear makeup – I’ve gone through phases when I’ve tried but I would need to attend a three day workshop to learn the proper methods – and my hair…well, let’s just say I don’t spend much time on it. Either it’s in a ponytail or one of those claw clips where you pull your hair into a ponytail then twist it and wind it sort of into a bun and then cover it with the clip but strands are sticking out here and there in the back. Nothing fancy and styled, just out of my way. People have told me time and time again that I look better when I wear my hair down but I just can’t stand the time it takes to blow dry it (all of five minutes) and, on ambitious days, to flat iron it. Living in a place of constant humidity doesn’t help my thin, flat hair either. If left down and I’m hit by the humidity, I might as well have stuck my finger in a light socket. So hair up is just less maintenance and less stress. Now if I could just convince my husband that short hair would not be the end of the world I’d give that a try. But I had a bob in college and he hated it. So I keep the hair and it keeps getting put up. 🙂 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 29, 2011 You can use a claw-clip-ponytail-twist-strand-sticky thing? That’s sounds pretty advanced! I don’t think I’ve ever gone out with my parents (to dinner, we don’t rage or go antiquing or anything) without my mother telling me how much better I look with my hair pulled back from my face. She will sometimes lean over and physically HOLD my hair back as IF I had a barrette, and that demonstrating it will make me go OOOOH! I’m GORGEOUS!!! In short, I feel your pain. 0 likes Reply Stacey September 28, 2011 I was super excited about being able to do a French twist myself until I actually read the post. Oh well. At least I’ve mastered the ponytail. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 29, 2011 Sorry, it wasn’t my intentions to crush another person’s hopes and dreams after the way I was treated… 0 likes Reply Christina Lee September 29, 2011 Hmmm… no wonder I’m off to get my hair chopped off today :-))))) 0 likes Reply Amy B September 29, 2011 I suck at hair and makeup. My makeup is the same every single day. Just heavier/lighter depending on what time of day. And by heavier, I mean an extra swipe of mascara. Have you seen the paint by numbers crap they want you to do on the back of a thing of eyeshadow? Please… As for hair… yeah… people who are talented enough to french braid their own hair can suck it. I’m a tad jealous. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 30, 2011 My mother actually bought me a “how to put on eyeshadow” Clinique kit for Christmas… that’s how complicated it is! 0 likes Reply Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness September 29, 2011 Reminds me of that thing they had years ago that would turn your ponytail inside out? My hair laughed at me when I took it outta the box. I’m doomed to wear a pony tail forever. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 30, 2011 Ooh, yeah, I forgot about that one… I could USE that one! I think it was called the Dipsy Do or something. All I know is that you could make one yourself out of a pipe cleaner or wire hanger… 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd September 30, 2011 And what about the half-up-half-down hairdo on the box? That picture must be smaller because it’s a carved bust and they don’t want you to notice. I just tell myself that Audrey Hepburn looked fabulous in a ponytail so therefore it is an acceptable, glamorous option. And then I block out the whole natural beauty, clear skin, and lithe ballerina body aspect of Audrey Hepburn, wrap a neon green rubber band around my hair, and I’m ready for the Oscars. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 30, 2011 Audrey didn’t really play fair when it comes to the rest of us…bitch. Wonderful, wonderful, loverly bitch. 0 likes Reply Jeane October 1, 2011 Fabulous hats…so much easier. Place on head and go! I always look at great hair clips and accessories and I have to back slowly away knowing they are there just to taunt me! 0 likes Reply Kirstie October 2, 2011 Check this one out: http://www.bighappiehair.com/ I drank way too much wine one night and decided that I needed a change. I needed volume. I needed to channel Snooki from Jersey Shore. I drunkenly purchased the bump-it. Despite promising confidence and beauty, the bump-it left me looking like I had a giant brain tumor in my parietal lobe. Don’t do it. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 6, 2011 So that thing on Snooki’s head isn’t a brain tumor? Hm. I thought that explained so much… 0 likes Reply maggie October 2, 2011 My hairdresser showed up at my work one day with her rabbit, and I had my usual work hair… tied in a messy bun with random curls sticking out of my head EVERYWHERE. I felt like I should apologize for making no effort to preserve the lovely things she does to my hair. I’m actually pretty girly. . . but also exquisitely lazy and desperately not a morning person. As for this product. . . looking at the instructions confused me. I’ve pulled off a french twist on a good day with an elastic and like 3 bobby pins. And I’ve never been able to repeat the feat. That contraption looks like it requires a lot more dexterity than I possess on even my best days. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 3, 2011 I think if I just had a few more hands… it is possible I was shopping in the “Octopi Only” aisle. I should have probably checked… 0 likes Reply Tracy October 24, 2011 I hear you. Last time I complained to my hairdresser about my hair breaking due to the ponytail I wear when I run, she suggested I braid it instead. I just glared at her. She clearly didn’t understand who she was talking to. I actually did try braiding my hair a couple of times, but it’s amazing how quickly I’m left with two tiny stubs of hair and one super long one. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 25, 2011 I can kind of do a regular braid, but nowhere useful. Just like right on the side of my head, which is fine if you’re Pippi Longstocking… 0 likes Reply Jenbug October 17, 2012 Thank you so much for saving me the $6.95, because I was totally gonna try that! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant October 18, 2012 Glad I could save you some money! 0 likes Reply saysha June 7, 2015 BOGUS PRODUCT!!! firstly, GETTING mohair into the product was challenge. the clasp worked horribly!!! Conair has forgotten that generally as humans we do not have a pair o fetes at eh back of our heads so a clasp which gave tonnes of trouble was the end of it for me. then came the twisting into a “sleek roll”. HA!!! it bellied to one said and was pulled taut at the other. ALL in all , a terrible product. way to go CON air!!! 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply to Abby Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!