Email a copy of 'Ruby Red Lashes and Plump, Curled Lips' to a friend

* Required Field






Separate multiple entries with a comma. Maximum 5 entries.



Separate multiple entries with a comma. Maximum 5 entries.


E-Mail Image Verification

Loading ... Loading ...

29 Responses

  1. Abby

    I do mascara, sometimes eyeliner, chapstick and the same powder/foundation thing I’ve had for years. I have lipstick, but like you said, it’s the same one I’ve had since middle school. (I’m always drinking from a water bottle, so it’s just not practical.)

    Part of it is that I have no idea how to actually “apply” the stuff without looking like a transvestite hooker, but part of it is that I don’t see the point. It takes a lot of time and money to look “natural.” Good lord! I wandered into Sephora the other day and they had $22 lip gloss and $25 mascara. I’m pretty sure that if my $2 eye liner has lasted since high school and I haven’t been arrested for indecent facial exposure yet, it’s doing the job. That money could be spent on something important–like wine or KidFreeLiving.com T-shirts.

    In other words, I’m more likely to recite the Constitution in Tonganese than learn to apply fake eyelashes. Maybe that’s why I’m single. Anyway, good luck with your cosmetic journey!

       0 likes

  2. BasiaVB

    The 80’s & 90’s were a rough time to grow up and for me it meant idolizing Kelly Bundy and using her as my styling mentor. This being said, I still have bleached blonde hair and bright, pouty lips at all times. But I have manged to take it easy on the hair spray and tamed the frizz a bit. I have chosen to abuse my hair with a curling iron and thankfully have patient people around me that stood by silently while I learned to use it. This took about 10 months. In the meanwhile, I rocked some rather interesting curls which I attempted to play off as ‘beachy curls’ a.k.a. very messy, looks like you went swimming on a windy day curls. Would have worked since I live near a beach but unfortunately, it was generally winter while I was learning. At any rate, a good mascara, a little ‘bare escentuals’ brand powder and a flattering blush will do on any day. L’oreal makes a lip gloss in a tube that you just squeeze out and apply that is amazing. Best Wishes!!!!!!!!

       0 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      I have that Bare Essentials stuff now too… definitely makes me look less Kabuki than liquid, though I still only use it maybe once a year… it should probably last until I die.

         0 likes

  3. Aimee

    “That lip gloss smelled so much like strawberries it was like someone was holding my head down in jar of Smuckers.” I about laugh-snorted breakfast out my nose. Thanks for that.

    I also don’t go for the clown paint. I’m 38. I think that part of my looking younger than my years is that I haven’t slathered that junk on my face daily like every other female I know. I have to be at work at 9, I get up at 8:15 and still manage to be presentable. I’ve been blessed, I have dark Italian coloring, so makeup is pretty much optional.

    I just never cared about hair and makeup. I’ve never played the typical female role well. I’ve been accused of being a lesbian just because I don’t wear makeup, do my hair, wear fancy clothes, or want kids. People are always shocked to find out that I’m not. In fact I don’t have many friends that are girls because I don’t do any of that stuff. I don’t have anything to relate to them. I have mostly guy friends…. and that doesn’t bother me 🙂

    Here, all this time, girls think that makeup attracts guys and most guys I know HATE lipstick. You want to attract guys? Talk about cars. Drive a hot rod. As for perfume, guys are more attracted to food smells than flower smells and more than anything are attracted to YOUR smell. Kinda like dogs like the smell of another dog’s …..

    ANYWAY. As usual, thanks so much for the laugh. We really need to get you syndicated. You should be paid and paid well for this humor.

       0 likes

    • Abby

      “I just never cared about hair and makeup. I’ve never played the typical female role well. I’ve been accused of being a lesbian just because I don’t wear makeup, do my hair, wear fancy clothes, or want kids. People are always shocked to find out that I’m not. In fact I don’t have many friends that are girls because I don’t do any of that stuff. I don’t have anything to relate to them. I have mostly guy friends…. and that doesn’t bother me.”

      Aimee…let’s be friends. Seriously. (By the way, being friends with me does not require phone calls or any physical interaction. I’m low-maintenance.)

         0 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      Hey, if you have a lead on syndication, I’m available! I’m a total boy-girl myself (clearly). I think my girl-boy husband wishes I was a LITTLE more girly, but I’ve mostly beat that out of him at this point.. at least you rock the natural tan. I’m like a the negative of a picture of you!

         0 likes

  4. Basia

    Will you marry me?

    This is exactly how I feel about makeup. I have really terrible skin, so I’ve always used foundation, but the other stuff like mascara and lipstick and eye shadow have always been a mystery to me. I always said Justin Beiber knows more about makeup than I do! I’ve also been making an “effort” recently to look more “put together” (if we’re speaking Married With Children references, then I probably look more like Bud than Peg without anything on!) and I’ve gotten used to the mascara, but everything else has been a struggle. The first time I went to Sephora and asked the perky clown-faced lady to help me find a blush and show me how to apply it, she kept putting different ones on my skin ON TOP OF the previous ones and by the end of the experience, I looked like a sun-burned hooker. (I was meeting a friend right after, who told me the second she saw me that she noticed my blush from across the parking lot!!!) And don’t even get me started on eye makeup! I have no idea how anybody is able to apply eyeliner in a straight line, without it coming out like a giant squiggle across the entire lid, as opposed to just the bottom. And eye shadow? Really? I can’t even stay inside the lines in a coloring book – how am I supposed to color my lids (with all these crazy shading effects)? The only way I’ll ever get a smokey eye is if I put my face up to the BBQ.

       0 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      I’ll have to ask Mike about the marriage proposal… he’s cranky this morning so I might be available…
      Every girl I know looks pretty good in eyeliner. I don’t know how they do it. I look like someone gave my face to their toddler to draw on while they ran some errands.

         0 likes

  5. sayali

    Lol. Great post. You look adorable in that picture.
    Word of advice though – You shouldn’t use such old cosmetics. By now, the lipstick is as good as a petridish in a micro-biology laboratory.

       0 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      Ack! Good to know! Thank goodness a REAL GIRL stopped by to set me straight! 🙂

         0 likes

  6. The Sweetest

    5 7 9- I remember that store! We also had something called “On Stage” that sold equally teenybopper clothes. As fro the makeup, I am a makeup hater. But I am aware that there are times when it is required. I have a Laura Mercier lipstick that is really just chapstick with color to it. it’s awesome. A very subtle shimmer and tint, but not sticky like lip gloss. For the cheeks, I use a Stila cheek color that is sort of like rough- it’s a compact, but it’s a creme, not a blush, I love it I just dab it with a makeup sponge and pat it on (no swiping) a little at a time until i have enough to look alive. For the bags I use a Laura Mercier under eye cover creme that comes in a tiny pot. A little goes a long way.

       0 likes

  7. Lafemmeroar

    When I was 14, my mom was an Avon lady. The Avon catalog was my bible. They had a line called “ColorWorks” and while I wanted reds and blues my mom got me pinks and beige. Disappointed … but I packed on the color. My face was so thick with product that I could have planted potatoes in that field of make-up.

    As I got older I got lazier and lazier. Now I do powder by Mac, but for color I’ve been going au natural. I pinch my cheeks and bite my lips for a little color. It doesn’t last so I re-bite and re-pinch as needed.

    Love your pic … so cute.

       0 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      What’s the time limit on the “pinch”? I’m trying to bring back old timey words, you’re bringing back old timey customs!

         0 likes

  8. Mona

    LOVE THIS! Shout out to your excellent 80’s bangs. My pride and joy were my bangs back then. they could stand 10 inches high and be rock steady in a wind storm *sniff* not gonna lie, I kinda miss them.

       0 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      I can’t take credit for that. If you’re born in Jersey you have bangs that stand 10″ high at birth.

         0 likes

  9. Catherine

    I sometimes have to dig deep to find a good thing about being unemployed but this one was easy- no make-up! I haven’t worn any in 6 months and could not be happier. My husband is probably feeling a bit punk’d since I’ve been employed since we met so he assumed that was my ‘natural’ look but screw him, he’s stuck with it.

    I was the opposite in highschool and even had the exact mirror in your photo (and I’m not too proud to admit it). I pretty much looked like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver- makeup-wise that is (Catholic mother means I wore turtlenecks in July). Now I’m just too lazy.

       0 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      It IS july and I went to your blog and your photo is you in a turtleneck. That was pretty funny. 🙂

         0 likes

      • Catherine

        OMG. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. You’re right. Damn my mother!

           0 likes

  10. Sandra

    I shamefully admit that I’m dying to take a picture of myself in the mirror now!

       0 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      I had to go get a photo taken recently so I took like 50 photos with the reverse iphone camera practicing… no shame there…

         0 likes

  11. Melissa Hicks

    We are opposite in our make-up ineptitudes. I am scared of lipstick. It doesn’t matter if I buy it at the dollar store or pay $12, it only comes in two colors: whore, and the color my lips are already. I try not to look like a prostitute (mostly) and I feel wasteful wearing lip-shade lipstick.

    I love eyeliner, eyeshadow, and mascara though. Since I have glasses I think I need to use all three to make my eyeballs really shine. Sometimes I run out of eyeliner but it’s ok because I always have sharpies. Make sure your hand is really steady though because they aren’t kidding when they say “permanent.”

    I DO NOT use eyeliner on the bottom. This is dangerous and makes me cry.

    I know that there is other makeup, but I clearly don’t know how to use it. I get a slutty clown result, followed by a red and blotchy face from scrubbing result. I feel your pain…but not on my lips.

       0 likes

    • Amy Vansant

      Sorry, I was going to reply to this but I’m still laughing at “two colors: whore, and the color my lips are already” and “I think I need to use all three to make my eyeballs really shine” and “They aren’t kidding when they say permanent” and … oh whatever – that was a funny fucking comment.

         0 likes

  12. Mandi

    Hi. My name is Mandi. I’m 31 and still don’t know how to apply make-up either. I think when most normal girls spent hours of their junior high and high school lives practicing applying and reapplying make-up (and thus, the straight eye-liner-line) I was doing really nerdy stuff like reading classic novels and National Geographic magazine. This explains my social deficits as well. My mom keeps suggesting it will come easier as I get older, that soon I will wake up and actually want to spend time every day artfully coating my face…I guess I’m still not old enough yet. But after reading this blog and subsequent posts, 41 may not be old enough either. Thanks for the laughs this morning, my fresh-faced friends 🙂
    ps–I *loved* 5-7-9!!!

       0 likes

  13. Amy Vansant

    I actually read the encyclopedia one summer for “something to do” so I totally understand the 7 levels of hell… I mean, dorkdom…

       0 likes

  14. Diana

    Hi Amy, You aren’t alone in your geekiness. I must also confess that I’ve also taken a photo of myself after a particularly impressive makeup session when I was younger. Too bad I can longer find that photo. Thanks for keeping us humble.

       0 likes

  15. Stacey

    I suck at makeup. I suppose I could look up an instruction manual online, but really, who could be bothered?

       0 likes