Email This Post HomeHumorDog HumorSecrets of a Suburban Ninja Amy Vansant September 8, 2012 Dog Humor, Humor, Women's Humor 23 Comments As we get older, we lose skills: memory, strength, the ability to keep our jowls tight against our jaw bones; lots of things. But I possess one skill that is only improving with age, thanks to my unique life choices: I have the reflexes of a Red Bull Jedi. Don’t tread on me. I share with you, Grasshopper, the three keys to my prowess. 1. Marry a Man Who Acts Like He’s 13-years Old In 10 years, I have not passed within 5 feet of my husband without him poking, pinching, tapping, bopping or otherwise tweaking me. He thinks it’s HILARIOUS. I think it explains why nearly all his ex-girlfriends can’t say his name without spitting. It’s a little bit like being cursed to spend eternity in the back seat of your parent’s car with your exasperating little brother, except you can’t moan “Mom, he’s TOUCHING ME!” to anyone but the dog, who has proven himself useless in these situations and will only slink out of the room to demonstrate his bravery by humping the pillow. The downside of Mike’s behavior is my slow decent into insanity. The upside, is that like a master of “The Force,” I’ve developed the ability to “feel” Mike coming and can usually sweep block his attack. I earned a red belt at a rinky-dink karate dojo at one point, and living with Mike is like 10 years of private training with a Monk who took a sacred Vow of Annoyance. 2. Get a Dark Colored Dog Nearly every night I end up roaming the house in the dark. I have to go to the bathroom, am thirsty, can’t sleep, or am up carefully drawing tiny green dots on my colorblind husband’s face in revenge for whatever he most certainly did to me the day before. The usual stuff. Even though I try to be careful, at some point, I will almost step on Gordon Labradoodle, who is totally invisible in the dark. My chocolate-hued Gordon will scramble to his feet, scaring the bejeezus out of me, and I will perform a spastic dance, arms flailing, that generally ends with me hanging from a bureau by three fingers, covered with water from the now half empty glass I just refilled. BUT I WILL NOT HAVE STEPPED ON THE DOG. Sure, it looks insane to the casual observer, but they shouldn’t be in my house at 3am, anyway. And the impromptu rain dances keep our lawn almost as vibrant green as the dots on Mike’s face. 3. Sleep in a Bed with the Immature Husband and the Invisible Dog I sleep curled in a tiny ball to make sure Gordon Labradoodle has all the room a 65lb dog sharing my bed might require, which, coincidentally, turns out to be approximately the length and width of a King Size bed minus the space of my 6’2″ husband. The bonus is both the dog AND the husband roll, pulling the covers off me as they go. Avoiding frostbite has required I develop two additional reflex skills: When I hear Mike start to move and feel the covers trying to slip away like a magician revealing his trick (Ta Da! Her shoulder is freezing!), I snap out of a dead sleep, grab and clutch the blanket, and hold it in place until the tension releases. (This also helps with strength building.) The dog is much sneakier and I always awake to find half my blankets already balled beneath him. Luckily, every 40 minutes he likes to re-position himself. I wait until he stands to shift and circle before laying down again. When he does, I yank the blanket back before he can plop his full weight back upon them. Victory is mine! Now you know the secrets of a suburban Ninja. I’m sorry, but now I have to kill you. Don’t look up next time you walk down your hallway; I’ll be wedged up there ready to pounce. About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Two Big Favors (YOU can get me on TV), Giveaways and Deals - January 22, 2020 A Free Book, a New Release, 2 99c Books…Giveaway and Deals - January 14, 2020 How’d you like to read a Pineapple Port screenplay? Cozy giveaway and deals… - January 11, 2020 23 Responses Casi September 8, 2012 I practice 3 nightly and have always masters the grab-and-hold when the SO is sleep-theiving my covers. And the summertime with a hot, furry dog thisclose to you while you sleep is whole other obstacle. I commend you for homing your ninja skills. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 9, 2012 The grab and hold is a very important skill, so you’re halfway there… 0 likes Reply bill major September 8, 2012 lmao good one! 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd September 8, 2012 I’m pretty sure Tom snuck “annoy” into our vows. He’s also made a lifetime commitment to pinches, sticking a hand in my mouth when I yawn, etc. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 8, 2012 ho jeezus, do NOT tell mike about the hand in mouth thing. It’s the only thing he doesn’t do! I’m starting to think your life might be mine’s evil doppelganger. 0 likes Reply Natalie the Singingfool September 8, 2012 Wait, you’re married to a Mike who acts like a thirteen-year-old boy too?? I’m getting a Twilight Zone feel here; I still have bruises from our last “wrestling” match. My ninja skills aren’t quite as well-honed, I guess. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 8, 2012 I bruise if you look at me funny, so I feel your pain. We fake wrestle all the time and then I tease him I’m going to take photos and file reports…. and he threatens the same thing back. 0 likes Reply Tracy September 8, 2012 Dave likes to say hi when I’m showering. Lucky for me, he is not stealthy. His footsteps are so loud, I totally know he’s coming. I’m way too high-maintenance to share my bed with my dog…or my husband. You are strong indeed! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 8, 2012 Mike likes to turn on all the other faucets on hot so the shower turns cold, and then super hot. Lordy I love him so. 0 likes Reply Meredith September 8, 2012 I definetly have #1, and partly have #3 down pat but only because my dark colored dog sleeps in a cage a night ;). 0 likes Reply Van Brown September 8, 2012 Amy, this was flat out fun to read! Thanks for sharing. 0 likes Reply Stacey September 8, 2012 1. Not really an issue, but he does act like his wedding band has magical powers complete with sound effects sometimes. 2. My Doodle is black, so I can relate. 3. The dog is not allowed in the bed but the husband takes up most of it and is a cover thief. I just rip them right back off him. Hard enough to wake him up. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 9, 2012 We tried to do the “doodle isn’t allowed in the bed” thing, but magically, every morning when we woke up, Doodle was in the bed. He’s a bit of ninja too, and jumped up when we were totally asleep. I’m in awe you kept one on the floor! 0 likes Reply Claude Nougat September 9, 2012 Hilarious, what a life being a suburban Ninja! Good thing you haven’t got a cat, he’d be sure to lurk in the dark and trip you! My husband is Italian, Sicilian actually, but so far he hasn’t used a gun, touch wood… 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 9, 2012 Agreed. Cats are 10 times the ninja me or the doodle will ever be… 0 likes Reply SarcasticNinja September 9, 2012 As a city Ninja myself, I approve of these training methods. It is remarkable how much room a man and dog can take up in a bed! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 10, 2012 It’s amazing how you can wake up curled into a tiny ball without even knowing it happened… 0 likes Reply Pamela September 9, 2012 Sooo glad that I am not the only human who sacrifices a good nights sleep due to a dog , or two. I am humbled that they “allow” me the edge of the mattress, and don’t make me sleep in their kennel. Although I have been tempted because I know I wouldn’t be bothered and I would have my own comforter. Your blog brightens my day …THANK YOU! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 10, 2012 I recently spent a few nights on the sofa because allergies were making me snore so loudly and I can’t say I hated it… And the dog moved up and used my pillow. 0 likes Reply Amy B September 11, 2012 I like this. But what happens if you get kicked in the middle of the night on a regular basis? How do you train for that? Can we make this into a series? Thanks in advance. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 11, 2012 Next week, how to paralyze your opponent by sliding their wine glass just out of reach… 0 likes Reply Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point September 11, 2012 So if I’m understanding you correctly, you’re saying my wife should be much more appreciative of me for all my annoying pokes and jabs and odd sleeping habits, since it is making her reflexes better? Thank you. I couldn’t agree more. I think I’ll go hide in her closet now and jump out at her when she’s changing her clothes. She’s going to be so appreciative. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant September 12, 2012 You can do that… FOR NOW. A few weeks from now she’ll kick your ass before you even know what hit you. 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!