Sexy Halloween Costumes Are Too Damn Feminist

Here come the sexy Halloween costumes…

sexy-pizza-costume-sexy halloween costumes

Almost as predictable as young women dressing like Pirate Hookers to garner attention on Halloween, are the myriad of blogs and articles making fun of those same Taxidermist Trollops.  And why not? It’s like shooting sexy fish in a sexy barrel. Who cares that at one time or another we’ve all thought that if the man of our dreams could see us as dressed as a Homeopathic Whore, he would be forever smitten.  Glass houses, schmash mouses.

Mocking Sexy Halloween Costumes just got harder.

Or easier, depending on how you look at it.

Sexy Halloween costumes store/sexpot supplier doesn’t think humor bloggers should be allowed to mock smitten kittens wearing nothing but mittens.  THEY ARE THE ONE WHO MOCKS.

Think inventing over-the-top fake sexy Halloween costumes like “Sexy Pizza” is humor? Nope. Now it is reality. Or maybe you prefer the Sexy Hamburger Costume, bringing a whole new meaning to to term “Meat Market.” Or the Hot Fries with “Hot Fries” subtly position over the general coochie region. Now that makes a man want to dip you in another girl dress like a Wendy’s Frosty.

Sexy-Hamburger-Costumesexy halloween costumes


sexy halloween costumes

These are the sorts of sexy Halloween costumes we use to make up to make FUN of the sexy Halloween costumes. 

Are your sexy Halloween costumes just too damn Feminist?

Dressing as a Sexy Nurse implies you had the brains to get through nursing school.  That means you can still run from predators pretty quickly, and the room is full of antelope with one bum leg, like Sexy Turnip over there.

Sexy Librarian Costume? You read books??! Are you out of your mind? You might as well go dressed as a Sasquatch nun. (little known fact, 43% of Big Feet are Catholic.)

Nope, all those sexy Halloween costumes are much too threatening. Now, you’re food. Perfect. Food doesn’t talk back. Except in antacid commercials.

Hm. Come to think of it, maybe the whole “I want to be eaten” metaphor is too subtle as well. Look for next year’s top sexy Halloween costumes, including “Sexy Vagina.”

Clearly, some of Yandy’s costumes are more for “at home” parties than real Halloween parties, because “Military Babe” would be chilly in late October when she knocks on your door and shouts “Turning Tricks or Treat.” Up to you whether you grab for a Snickers or $50 and a condom. (You’ll want a condom, she’s been out in the sexy jungle and could have malaria or something.)

Sexy jungle soldier costume: because screw chiggers and leeches, I’m showing MID-DRIFT!

Yandy suggests pairing this outfit with a pair of their fake eyelashes, like anyone is going to be looking at your eyes.

I know. I’m just jealous. Growing up, Sexy Pirate and Sexy Kitten were pretty much all I had with which to seduce.

Where was Sexy Foie Gras when I was in college??

Luckily, these days if I want to be “Sexy Hamburger” I just have to be the one who volunteers to pick up from Wayback Burgers.

Amy Vansant
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15 Responses

  1. When I Blink

    “sexy foie gras” – haaaaaaa.

    Let’s think of other foods that don’t lend themselves well to costuming:

    Sexy Queso Dip
    Sexy Salad Dressing
    Sexy Baked Potato
    Sexy Roasted Brussels Sprouts
    Sexy Calorie Replacement Shake

    This is fun.


  2. Tiffany N. York

    I mean really, women’s choices are either sexy or frumpy. If I want a costume that doesn’t show cleavage and covers my ho-ha, what are my options?

    Witch, nun, or Flo from Progressive Insurance.


    • Amy Vansant

      We could all just staple notes that say “Love me?” “tweet me?” “Like me? all over our bodies and go as bloggers. 🙂


  3. Lance

    I’m going as Sexy Blogger ….because that’s preposterous, right?


    I need to beg my wife into being Sexy Moe’s Burrito


    • Amy Vansant

      So instead of stapling “Love me?” “Like me?” “Tweet me” to a sweatshirt, just use cloth just big enough to cover your man parts and your nipples that says those things. BAM! Sexy Blogger!


  4. Melissa Marie

    My goal is always to figure out how to wear pajamas to the costume party.

    One year when all my friends were pregnant I dressed up like I was pregnant which was actually very comfortable…unlike real pregnancy, I’m told.

    I’ve also done “crazy cat lady” which included pajama pants with cats on them, and a giant sweatshirt… also with cats on it.

    Really, going to party in something restricting is so 1999. I’m looking for something that transitions well to napping.


  5. Nina Potts

    Now I don’t feel bad about my sexy mouse poop costume idea… getting to casually joke I’ve given someone Hantavirus.


  6. Suzanne Lucas

    They call these things costumes? I had no idea what that French Fries outfit was until you explained it. And that hamburger dress looks like Pocahontas got a bamboo leaf stuck in her midsection.

    She might as well wear an orange dress and call herself a pumpkin.



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