Email This Post HomeHumorSexy Moves You May Have Not Considered Amy Vansant January 16, 2013 Humor, Women's Humor 17 Comments When I’m working at my desk, my husband Mike likes to torture me with fake sexual advances in the form of the worst role playing characters ever created. They include such gems as: “Hey Baby, I Just Got Out of Prison” Guy “I Just Bought a Deli, Want to Roll Out of Here?” Guy Making a vampire face by goofily flashing his teeth, a move to which he refers to as “The Deadly Daggers” Insisting “‘No’ is just a letter from ‘Yes'” (which makes absolutely no sense.) Hugging me while referring to me as the “Lassoed Watermelon,” which gains him no points. He only uses this during the summer months. Coming up behind me while I’m sitting at my desk and basically collapsing on top of me; a move he calls the “Tidal Wave of Love.” Several variations of “Creepy Teacher,” “Creepy Boss,” and “Creepy Co-Worker,” where he says impossibly inappropriate things. “My penis is Toyota. You asked for it.” (I had not) A menagerie of “spiders” which are actually his hand making various spider-like shapes to imply they are little characters including “Listening Spider” (very alert), “Angry Spider (looks like a spider and then flips me off),” and “Humping Spider” (fingers out like legs but the palm pushing back and forth). But I think he finally found my weakness while playing “Creepy Office Guy.” Mike: (purposely and obviously brushing across my boobs as he reaches) I just need to get this pen… Amy: There’s no pen there. Mike: I’m sorry, what’s that? Amy: You’re just being ‘Creepy Office Guy.’ Mike: What?? Why is he creepy? He’s just trying to grab a pen! Amy: There is no pen. And you just totally groped me. Mike: No…stop it. Office guy is sweet. He likes you. He opens doors for you and brings you PopTarts… Amy: No, ‘Office Guy’ is a creep who tries to… wait, what was that last bit? Mike: He brings you PopTarts? Amy: …. Mike: So… can I get that pen? Amy: Yep. Author Recent Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Pineapple Hurricane is Released + Even More Giveaways (three chances to win a kindle) - June 4, 2020 Too Many Book Deals, Steals, Kindle Giveaways… - May 27, 2020 Name the Hurricane Winners, Win a Kindle + Books - May 19, 2020 17 Responses Brandon, from My Own Private Idaho January 15, 2013 I named my penis Dick Cheney, because it’s about to shoot you in the face… I’m working on a list. I’ve heard some bad ones lately, and a lot of them need to be shared. 🙂 3 likes Reply Lance January 15, 2013 Drunk Irish Playboy, best line – “aayr u frum Ireland, cuz mah penis is dublin? Friendly neighbor – best line “would you like to touch my fresh sticky buns?” Mailman – you know, “special package you need to “sign” for”. the usual, we’re weird but boring weird 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant January 23, 2013 I was crazy busy last week and am just getting around to reading these. Sticky bun one made laugh – who says “sticky buns!” 0 likes Reply winopants January 15, 2013 Noms are indeed the simplest and easiest way to impress a woman 0 likes Reply Tiffany N. York January 16, 2013 Wow, you’re easy! I particularly like “The Tidal Wave of Love,” because basically you can’t breathe to tell him no. Very effective. 1 likes Reply soynailcider January 16, 2013 The little boy never leaves them. lol 1 likes Reply Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point January 16, 2013 This is good information to know. I think the next time the wife and I get away I’ll surprise her with covering the bed in pop tarts instead of rose pedals like I usually do*. *I have never done this. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant January 23, 2013 Poptarts will work every time. It’s like chumming for sharks. 0 likes Reply SarcasticNinja January 16, 2013 Well, some things will pop when Creepy Office Guy is around…and I won’t comment on hidden meanings behind the tart bit. 1 likes Reply Jen January 16, 2013 I’m a sucker for Pop Tarts too. 0 likes Reply cj renzi January 16, 2013 Nice new look over here. Funniest post of 2013 hands down. Does the hubby give lessons on how to be ridiculous? I thought I was ridiculous, but this guy takes the cake. I love this shit. The spiders really got me, but then again, most of the material did. Top notch. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant January 25, 2013 My husband is a complete loon. 0 likes Reply Damien Galeone January 21, 2013 I once tried to pretend I was a the overly-confident office guy to turn my girlfriend on. She thought I was constipated. Turned out I actually was… 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 22, 2013 I like that he has seasonally appropriate characters. There’s noting like being called a watermelon in the winter – such a turnoff! 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant January 25, 2013 He has character for just about ever situation you can imagine, it’s raining, it’s christmas it’s 2pm on wed after a glass of wine but only if we also just had sandwiches… 1 likes Reply Z. Mulls January 25, 2013 “Creepy Office Guy” sounds a lot like “Code Monkey” (http://tinyurl.com/a95c49q). But Code Monkey brings you soda (with cup and ice). 0 likes Reply Molly January 31, 2013 These are amazing! Your husband is awesome. I recently learned that my husband’s favorite cartoon growing up was Pepe Le Pew, which explains SO VERY MUCH about the dynamic of our relationship. 2 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!