Sexy Moves You May Have Not Considered

dreamstimefree_100958When I’m working at my desk, my husband Mike likes to torture me with fake sexual advances in the form of the worst role playing characters ever created. They include such gems as:

  • “Hey Baby, I Just Got Out of Prison” Guy
  • “I Just Bought a Deli, Want to Roll Out of Here?” Guy
  • Making a vampire face by goofily flashing his teeth, a move to which he refers to as “The Deadly Daggers”
  • Insisting “‘No’ is just a letter from ‘Yes'” (which makes absolutely no sense.)
  • Hugging me while referring to me as the “Lassoed Watermelon,” which gains him no points. He only uses this during the summer months.
  • Coming up behind me while I’m sitting at my desk and basically collapsing on top of me; a move he calls the “Tidal Wave of Love.”
  • Several variations of “Creepy Teacher,” “Creepy Boss,” and “Creepy Co-Worker,” where he says impossibly inappropriate things.
  • “My penis is Toyota. You asked for it.” (I had not)
  • A menagerie of “spiders” which are actually his hand making various spider-like shapes to imply they are little characters including “Listening Spider” (very alert), “Angry Spider (looks like a spider and then flips me off),” and “Humping Spider” (fingers out like legs but the palm pushing back and forth).

But I think he finally found my weakness while playing “Creepy Office Guy.”

Mike: (purposely and obviously brushing across my boobs as he reaches) I just need to get this pen…

Amy: There’s no pen there.

Mike: I’m sorry, what’s that?

Amy: You’re just being ‘Creepy Office Guy.’

Mike: What?? Why is he creepy? He’s just trying to grab a pen!

Amy: There is no pen. And you just totally groped me.

Mike: No…stop it. Office guy is sweet. He likes you. He opens doors for you and brings you PopTarts…

Amy: No, ‘Office Guy’ is a creep who tries to… wait, what was that last bit?

Mike: He brings you PopTarts?

Amy: ….

Mike: So… can I get that pen?

Amy: Yep.

Amy Vansant
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17 Responses

  1. Lance

    Drunk Irish Playboy, best line – “aayr u frum Ireland, cuz mah penis is dublin?

    Friendly neighbor – best line “would you like to touch my fresh sticky buns?”

    Mailman – you know, “special package you need to “sign” for”.

    the usual, we’re weird but boring weird


    • Amy Vansant

      I was crazy busy last week and am just getting around to reading these. Sticky bun one made laugh – who says “sticky buns!”


  2. Tiffany N. York

    Wow, you’re easy! I particularly like “The Tidal Wave of Love,” because basically you can’t breathe to tell him no. Very effective.


  3. cj renzi

    Nice new look over here. Funniest post of 2013 hands down. Does the hubby give lessons on how to be ridiculous? I thought I was ridiculous, but this guy takes the cake. I love this shit. The spiders really got me, but then again, most of the material did. Top notch.


  4. Damien Galeone

    I once tried to pretend I was a the overly-confident office guy to turn my girlfriend on. She thought I was constipated. Turned out I actually was…


    • Amy Vansant

      He has character for just about ever situation you can imagine, it’s raining, it’s christmas it’s 2pm on wed after a glass of wine but only if we also just had sandwiches…


  5. Molly

    These are amazing! Your husband is awesome. I recently learned that my husband’s favorite cartoon growing up was Pepe Le Pew, which explains SO VERY MUCH about the dynamic of our relationship.



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