Shaking the Kids

The other day Mike and I were talking to his brother Gary about going to an upscale dinner with us.  Gary and Heather have two girls under the age of 13, so talking about going to a nice restaurant is like discussing the possibility of visiting Oz. Restaurants without cartoon mascots are like mythical places rumored to exist, but that they have never seen.

So I said to Gary, “Talk to Heather and we’ll all go – you just have to shake the kids.”

For some reason this hit Gary funny. He snorted a bitter laugh, shook his head and said, “You don’t shake kids.”

Well, no kidding. From what I can tell they’re like The Mummy. Every time you think you’ve got a moment to yourself here they come again, waddling along and moaning about one thing or another. But I think Gary is wrong. There are plenty of ways I think you could shake your kids.

Chinese Finger Traps.

Maybe like 2 or 3 little Chinese Finger Traps (depending on the size of the child) could do it.  I think you get them to put their little digits in there with a promise of ice cream or spoonfuls of sugar or whatever the little freaks like, and then feel free to go out for a few drinks or a round a golf. How much trouble can they get in with all their little fingers trapped?  The smarter ones you might not be able to go out quite as long, the slower ones you could maybe even go on vacation for the weekend.

Baby Morphine Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup

This is a morphine-based syrup for kids. It’s going to be a little harder to find than maybe it once was, but I’m thinking with some well executed Ebay searches we’ve got a winner here. A few drops of this liquid gold and you could finish the most ridiculously bloated Stephen King novel in total peace and quiet.

Look at this picture – she is actually taunting the child, who is obviously loving the Mrs. Winslow’s. I mean, does that look like an unhappy baby?

Child Labor Camp

If you start them young enough, kids will think stitching soccer balls 2 to 5 hours a day is par for the course. They won’t know any better, so how can they be unhappy?  Fill their little heads with scary stories about how kids in other countries stitch soccer balls for 14 hours a day by candlelight and they will actually be grateful for their few hours a day they toil in glorious electric light. Done properly you can actually schedule your free time often enough to join a bowling league.

Now these are just three quick ideas I was able to rattle right off the top of my head. Who knows what you could come up with if you really just took the time to think.

And yes, I am of course available as a babysitting service.  I only have about a week’s worth of Mrs. Winslow’s, so plan accordingly.

Amy Vansant
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