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Show the Nice Lady the Chiggers Hiding in Your Butt

Amy Vansant
Humor, Women's Humor
29 Comments

My husband Mike woke up with his entire left hip and butt cheek covered in a buckshot pattern of connect-the-dots, like he’d been caught stealing away with a Hatfield’s favorite daughter.

This is as much of Mike’s butt as he will allow me to show. And it was hell talking him into this.

We’re aware that mosquitoes find Mike irresistible, but a even a CIA-trained mosquito black-ops wet team couldn’t have bit him 20 times over the course of an evening. We considered a spider with an attitude problem, maybe the brother Charlotte never told Wilbur about, but the bites didn’t have that double-fangy vampire thing. A few Google searches later, we settled on chiggers. We’d walked the dog through an unkempt field the day before, so it all made sense.

Being a calm, reasonable sort, Mike asked the most logical question; the question that would be on anyone’s mind.

“Do you think there are chiggers hiding in my butt?”

I could tell by the whites of his wild, bulging eyes that he was serious.

“We’ll let me Google that…” I said, always helpful, heading for the computer. “Let’s see…yep, says here chiggers are known to hide in the anus and then creep out at night to feed…”

“REALLY?”

I whirled in my office chair.

“NO MICHAEL CHIGGERS DON’T HIDE IN YOUR ASS!”

Mike huffed and went off to take a four hour shower, strip the bed and burn the sheets.

Luckily, I had some itching medication leftover from when I’d gotten chiggers the summer before in the same demonic field. I slathered up Mike’s tush while he chatted on the phone with his mother. See, you never really know what people are doing while they’re talking to you on the phone.

Mike’s mother Mary was due to arrive in a few hours with a friend of her’s in tow.

“My friend is a nurse!” I heard Mary squeal with happiness on the other side of the phone. “We’ll show the bites to her when we get there, she’ll know what to do!”

Mike sighed. “Mother, I am not showing your new friend my ASS.”

“Go on, Mike, show her your ass,” I mumbled, still dabbing medicine on the welts.

“Not a chance in hell, Mom,” he said, giving me the stink-eye.

And that was the end of that. Until Mike’s mother and her friend arrived, and his mother spent 15 minutes begging  him to drop his drawers for the nice lady.

 

8/11: Chigger Update: Husband has four more bites, two really big ones JUST ABOVE HIS ASS. Now I’ll NEVER convince him they aren’t living in his butt.

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.
Amy Vansant

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29 Responses

  1. kiraalt

    You are probably right. Something from a walk in the field. I hate to say this, and not wishing it on anyone. You can’t tell from bites, because everyone reacts differently. Have you considered bedbugs? Might want to do a close look around for any evidence of them. If you find it, get an exterminator pronto.

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  2. Nicole

    I can’t stop laughing @ “Yep, says here…” Poor Mike’s butt. Hope it feels better soon.

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  3. will

    all i can do is laugh my ass off rt now …good one for the morning read lol

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  4. Laura R.

    Aw, I feel so bad for Mike. I have ridiculous issues like this all the time. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. However, while I have much empathy for his woes, I just can’t help laughing my ass off.

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    • Amy Vansant

      he’s having a tough month… Bungee Cord to the balls, chiggers in his butt… it’s like living with the three stooges.

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  5. SarcasticNinja

    Ass-chiggers sound like an excellent topic for a horror-thriller about science and nature gone wrong. “They’re…they’re everywhere…where are they coming from? OH GOD NOOOOO!!”

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  6. Lance

    well at least he didn;t catch something from you and or give it back…perspective.

    Bobina got a bee sting on one of her boobies a month ago. oh, the fun had with that one

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    • Amy Vansant

      I have a tiny bit of poison ivy on my arm and he’s still convinced I can give him that if I get within 10 feet of him.

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    • Amy Vansant

      YES. Wrath of Khan got me that way too.
      Our theory is he was wearing those tight boxer-briefs and they like snuggly places…

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    • Amy Vansant

      And under skin. Or larvae in your bowels. I’m thinking IN any part of me.

      Except tapeworms. I think I’d like a nice tapeworm.

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  9. Stacey

    See, now if my husband told me he thought chiggers were hiding in his butt, I’d say something like, “No, babe. Chiggers wouldn’t hide in your butt. You’re thinking of pinworms.”

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    • Amy Vansant

      Damn. He’d be ruined for a WEEK if I’d done that. I’m going to call you first next time.. or.. come to think of it.. I don’t want to hear about pinworms for weeks. Nevermind.

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  10. Jen

    I still can’t believe you got your husband to not only agree to the photo but also the post. I have to say I would have reacted exactly the same way he did. Bugs seem to love me too. I must just be especially sweet. It still doesn’t make me feel any better.

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    • Amy Vansant

      I can’t believe he let me either. But I’m pretty good now at picking the right moment to ask things like that…

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  11. Nina Potts

    We had a spider in the house last night that I took outside (after dying of laughter that everyone was terrified of it) and today our roommate came in and asked me to look at her ear because it was itching. I told her it was probably a spider bite. Apparently I’m not funny. I didn’t even mention that maybe it moved into her ear… I’ll go tell her now, I think she’s still awake.

    You should mention they might be living in his ear. If you want to terrify him more anyways.

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      • Nina Potts

        yes apparently I’m cruel. I did mention the spider might be living in her ear. I also suggested it might be a pinch bug, because there isn’t enough room in her ear for a spider to make a web.

        She’s angry.

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  12. cici

    You’re supposed to paint the bites with clear nail polish. This will suffocate the chigger which is still alive beneath the surface of the skin.

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    • Amy Vansant

      Actually, that’s a myth. Once they bite you and barf in your hair follicles, the slurp up some protoplasm and drop off. Believe me – we Googled the hell out of it. If they were still on Mike he would LOSE HIS MIND. But I thought the same thing the first time – it is what I had always heard!

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  13. Brittany

    That was so funny how you convinced him he had chiggers and then yelled at him “NO CHIGGERS DON’T HIDE IN YOUR ASS!”. If he really does have chiggers, painting clear nail polish over the bites will smother the chiggers.

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  14. Jessica Holt

    I had chiggers once, I think your husband handled it very well considering my trip to the doctor and absolute freakout when she informed me they were living inside of me and moving up my leg towards the groin area, where they like to hang out.

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  15. Charlotte

    HAHA! I spit out my food when I read “Do you think there are chiggers hiding in my butt?” hahaha the only thing better than the question was your response. brilliant 🙂

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