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Sneaky-Sneaky as a Bull Wrapped in Bubble Wrap

Amy Vansant
Humor, Women's Humor
22 Comments

My Sneaky-Sneaky Fail

Last Saturday I thought I’d get up early and surprise Mike by being oh so sneaky-sneaky and making him biscuits and gravy. I don’t get to do things like that very often, because Mike is a very light sleeper, which is a great trait in a gunslinger, but less so in an anxiety-ridden suburban husband. Waking up to find him peering out the window mumbling “Ja hear that?” because a squirrel burped can cut into a girl’s beauty sleep.

A Quick Guide to Not Being Sneaky-Sneaky

I like to start any sneaky-sneaky project by swinging my legs out of bed, directly on to the dog I didn’t know was sleeping beside me, causing the room to fill with the melodious sounds of scrabbling nails and elbow bones thudding to the floor as Gordon scrambles out from under me. That done, I gather up the clothes on which he was sleeping, and creep out of the room on my old wooden floors, which squeak like a hairless cat trying to hump a balloon.

Can’t start a sneaky-sneaky biscuit making project without first making coffee, so I put the dishtowel over the coffee grinder, lowering that noise from ‘jet engine’ to ‘industrial walnut sheller.’ I should get some sort of sneaky-sneaky merit badge for that alone.

Next, I open the clattering oven drawer to pull out the sheet pans. I reach for the Pam so the biscuits won’t stick, but my hands are still asleep so I knock it off the top shelf and it falls first on my head, then to the counter. In a fumbling panic to catch it before it rolls off the granite, I instead spike it violently to the tile floor.

I freeze, and assure myself this happens to ninjas in training all the time.

The dog demands to get the paper, so I quietly open the front door to let  him out. That’s when I notice a really cool moon just over the trees across the street and run to get my camera, my artistic drive dampened only by the metal kitchen chair leg I boot with my big toe like I was hoping to score a field goal with it. Hopping and hissing curses, I get the camera, only to find the battery dead.

sneaky-sneaky

I did eventually get my moon photo and it was SO not worth it.

Did you know biscuits make a big popping noise when you twist open the little tube they’ve been squirted into?

Mike does.

Biscuits finally in the oven, I sink into a chair, my sneaky-sneaky breakfast attack done.

Suddenly, it sounds like someone just hit a car hood with a sledge hammer. The heating biscuit sheet has twisted into a new shape with a teeth-rattling snap. I’m still holding my hand over my heart, panting, when Mike shuffles in and asks me if I’ve been adding an addition to the house.

Sneaky-sneaky fail.

Here’s John Turturro’s brilliant sneaky-sneaky butler in Mr. Deeds, to show you how it should be done.

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.
Amy Vansant

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22 Responses

  1. Abby

    I think the key is either drugging Mike or (gently) smothering his head with a pillow to ensure a deep and “restful” sleep. If he doesn’t wake up in time for breakfast, his loss. More for you, Wife of the Year!

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  2. Tiffany N. York

    Lol “hairless cat trying to hump a balloon.” I have never seen that movie. Is it worth a looksie? The clip was hilarious.

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    • Amy Vansant

      I haven’t actually seen it in a long time. I think it was mostly stupid, but I did love this sneaky bit…

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      • Tiffany N. York

        Yeah, I figured as with most Adam Sandler movies, whatever clip gets posted is usually the best part of the movie.

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  3. Michele Drier

    You got up when you could still see the moon? OMG you get a gold for Wife of the Year (as soon as the burns from the biscuit pan heal)!
    Loved this….

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    • Amy Vansant

      I always get up around 5ish, so I can’t really take credit for that being particularly nice. And Thanks!

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  4. SarcasticNinja

    You definitely win for the attempt. And it’s just cheating if he gets up when you are OBVIOUSLY preparing a nice surprise for him.

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  5. Bonnie Doody

    Love your story!! Tweeted it, too!!! Every time I open one of those biscuit cans I just about have a heart attack. :-/

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  9. Lisa Newlin

    I think the biggest problem here is (1) you decided to get up early and (2) you didn’t just run to Hardees to get their biscuits. They’re delicious!

    You’re a better wife than I am, and have far better ninja skills too.

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  11. Stacey

    “which squeak like a hairless cat trying to hump a balloon”

    You have such a way with words.

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  12. Lance

    You can’t surprise the Bobina. Ever.

    a) she just knows. It’s freaky.

    b) she’s a trained chef and thus anything kitchen oriented makes her super ninja like and she’ll pounce.

    c) If the kids are going to surprise her or make her breakfast or something, I just tell her before hand. Once I tried to hammer the door shut and I hit my hand and yelled the f word. They still talk about it.

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  13. Damien

    Ninja in training. Haha! I am always amazed at how insanely loud the following things are:
    1. Farting in bed with a new(ish) partner
    2. Flushing the toilet between 12 a.m.-5 a.m.
    3. Watching porn. Ever.

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  15. aiyana

    It’s been a few years since I have seen you, but this post brought back many a fond memory of laughter and bookclubs. I do want to remind you biscuits and gravy do not make you the best wife in the world, sugared french fries and, your very sneaky sneaky aplomb at getting Mike to approve that lovely shade of gray in which to paint your shed! (Eke, that just sounded like a terrible and should never be mentioned book title). Perhaps you should write a blog not about trying to be nice whilst sneaky, but about the subtle sneakiness needed 24/7 when living and loving a color blind person who is constantly in fear that you are trying to pull a fast one on him. Rick is often so convinced I’m dressing him in pastel colors that he will ask total strangers what color he is wearing. No need to be quiet, just patient and loving 🙂

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