Vatican City — Top officials of the Catholic Church are starting a worldwide marketing campaign to encourage more young men to join the priesthood due to a startling increase in the need for exorcisms. “We just don’t have the manpower to respond to every request anymore,” said Cardinal Robin, who is spearheading the marketing push.
“Every week we’re getting a hundred or more requests like this,” said the Cardinal, holding up a piece of paper and beginning to read. “Dear Vatican, I don’t know who else I can turn to. My daughter has been speaking in tongues for over three months now and I am at my wits end. This is an example of the language she has been typing to her friends:
Kkz, i wz jc wen sis cme n wz rotfl n i wz lol thn i gtg n sed ttyl n sis sed, whatev idc i c u evrydy n i sed jk, idk y tho…nvm! 😉 Btw tmi fyi…n sis sed whatevvvv ha ha thn i sed bi, ily”
The Cardinal’s eyes begin to tear. “Clearly this child is possessed.”
Kid-Free Press traveled to the home of the girl in question and showed her the print out her mother had forwarded to the Vatican. The girl insisted she is not possessed (at least that is what we decided “Whateverrrrr” implied), and in fact, translated the language above as:
Okays, I was just chillin when sis came and was rolling on the floor laughing and I was laughing out loud then I got to go and sis said whatever I don’t care I see you every day and I said just kidding. I don’t know why though, nevermind. By the way, too much information, for your information. And sister said whatever ha ha then I said bye, I love you.
“Do you think I like waking up in the middle of the night because my mother is spritzing me with Holy Water?” asked the teen, whose identity we are not revealing to protect her from other demons who might be looking for an easy target.
We attempted to investigate further, but unable to pull herself away from texting her friends, the teen declined to comment further.