Email This Post HomeHumorFood & Cooking HumorSushi Maki of Terror Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 Food & Cooking Humor, Humor 25 Comments Mike and I went to a nearby sushi restaurant Monday night at 5pm, not surprised to find ourselves alone but for the staff. We’re way ahead of our time when it comes to early bird dining. We’re about two weeks away from stealing sugar packets from every place we go. My Sake Tree. We sat at our usual seats at the bar. That’s when I heard this little voice from my left. A new waitress, who stood about 4’8″ had her face tucked up beside me, her chin all but resting on my arm. Upon seeing that I’d noticed her presence, she leaned in a little closer, until all I could see were hair follicles. As a dog lover, I fought the urge to pet her. I tried to speak, but her face was so close to mine she’d stolen all my oxygen. I leaned back and took a gasp of air. Large eyes staring at me like Oliver Twist in search of a handout, she tugged on my sleeve and asked what I’d like to drink. I murmured my order, lips grazing her forehead, terrified she’d smell everything I’d eaten in the last week the moment I opened my mouth. Unsure of the drink to which I referred, she crawled into my lap and read the name phonetically from my menu until she had it memorized. Then she hopped down like a Pomeranian and scurried behind my bar stool. I froze. I’d seen this move in horror movies before. Moments later she popped up at my husband’s elbow with no warning. Terrified, he jumped and looked at me, eyes wide. I quickly turned away from him for fear I’d never stop the giggle fit threatening on my horizon. Mike asked for a martini and then inquired about one of the more obscure appetizers on the menu. She crawled into his lap and explained several appetizers by reading what the menu said verbatim. This was stunningly unhelpful, since most of the descriptions read like a random game of Words with Friends. “Jeezus,” said Mike when the waitress left to get the drinks. “I think I was just violated.” We tried to control our laughter by staring at the things around us like everything was fascinating. I noticed one of the specials was called the “Happy Maki” and wondered why things were always “Happy” in Japanese restaurants. Just once, maybe I’d like to try the “Sashimi of Discontent,” or the “Heartbroken Hand Roll.” We generally have a drink or two before ordering, but soon realized our little friend had positioned herself a foot behind our stools, clicking her pen as she eagerly awaited our next move. *click click* I could feel the hair on the back of my neck rising. *click click* I could hear her breathing. We put down our menus, and she stepped forward to rest her head on my elbow, awaiting my order. I don’t think I’d felt so loved since our Labradoodle fell asleep on my face. I finished my first cocktail and asked for a small bottle of cold sake, which I was served in some sort of festive tree. When Mike ordered a bottle of wine, she brought me a glass as well, so between my empty cocktail glass, my saki tree, my glass of wine and my soy sauce, I was one fetal pig away from looking like I’d brought a 7th grade chemistry kit to dinner. Mike made the mistake of asking about a few other items on the menu, and the waitress perched in his lap like a ventriloquist’s doll to read the menu in broken English. Terrified we’d have to navigate a long conversation, we agreed to all of her suggestions, gobbled them down, and escaped before she became accidentally impregnated by either one of us. Author Recent Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Pineapple Hurricane is Released + Even More Giveaways (three chances to win a kindle) - June 4, 2020 Too Many Book Deals, Steals, Kindle Giveaways… - May 27, 2020 Name the Hurricane Winners, Win a Kindle + Books - May 19, 2020 25 Responses SarcasticNinja July 31, 2012 Sounds like the chemistry kit might have come in handy to concoct a chemical deterrent… I’m pretty sure I’ve had Despair-Nigiri, made with salmon two days past its sell-by date and the tears of the chef. 1 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 I’m glad to hear your sushi place is thinking outside the box. I mean, what is the difference between soy sauce and chef tears anyway? 0 likes Reply kathy July 31, 2012 For the life of me, I cannot understand why humans would want to eat that horrible raw food anyway. When I pass the “restaurants” in the neighbourhoods and gaze at the raw chickens etc. hanging in the windows I feel voodoo has made a comeback. I am happy you lived to eat another day. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 Yikes – if your restaurants are serving raw chickens I could see why you feel that way! 🙂 0 likes Reply Nicole July 31, 2012 ROFL… Please, please tell me you were greeted and sent off with some sing-songy bastardizations of “hello, how are you?” and “Thank you, goodbye.” That would make this sushi adventure story PERFECT. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 It was a little sing songy… and she followed us to the door… and she’s out side the window right now slowly scratching at it… 0 likes Reply Lance July 31, 2012 at mine and Bobina’s sushi place is a head waitress who used to be a man. we’ve been going to this place for four years and watched her make the transformation. I assume she’s post-op but then again we don;t hang so, well whatever. she’s similary creepish – overly friendly, doesn’t respect personal space, etc.. and I’ve had to learn to watch for her before we sit down so I don’t be like Mike and get freaked out. Btw, my favorite sushi roll is the Depressed Dolphin. I don;t eat it because that would be wrong but I try to talk it out of doing harm to itself. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 You don’t hang… so you don’t know if he/she does. Ha! On a related note, have you seen Hit & Miss on the Audience Network (DirectTV?) About a hitman that used to be a man and is now pre-op woman. Good show, if one to many shots of a dude with boobs mixed in. I really don’t need to see ANYONE just walking around naked that often. 0 likes Reply Raymond July 31, 2012 I’d like to see the menu that they don’t show you straightaway — the one with ‘Happy Ending Sushi’… 🙂 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 Maybe that’s what my husband accidentally ordered… I’m going to go with “accidentally.” 0 likes Reply Chooplah July 31, 2012 “Sashimi of discontent” made me laugh aloud when I’m supposed to be working! Yeah, my guy and I went to a “Korean PPQ” place last night. We thought we were trying some unique new style food when we realized it’s simply supposed to be “Korean BBQ.” 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 Now is the sashimi of our discontent… I would have just figured they specialized in pork. I immediately thought “Pig Pig Q.” 1 likes Reply Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point July 31, 2012 Two days ago the wife and I went out to sushi and as we walked in there were about five waitresses standing at the front. Once we entered all of them instantly started to giggle and pointed at me. This is not the typically response I get when I’m out in public. I swear. But eventually one of them said to me that they were laughing at my shirt, which was an old school Atari Pac-Man shirt. I really hope she was telling me the truth. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 They’re laughing because their Grandfathers probably wore those shirts… 🙂 0 likes Reply Banana Stickers July 31, 2012 I commend you for resisiting the urge to pet her. Seriously, I would have probably had to fight off the desire to give her a treat and rub her belly instead of leaving a tip. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 I suspect she would have liked that… 0 likes Reply Tracy July 31, 2012 At least she drew the line at crotch sniffing. That’ll teach you to eat dinner at 5pm, maybe she was passive-aggressively suggesting you not make her work before 7. Dave and I are almost always ready for dinner around 4 on weekends but most restaurants don’t open for dinner until 5. The perils of being 38 going on 80. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 I know! Looking for a place to eat at 3:30 is like wandering in the desert… 0 likes Reply liz July 31, 2012 love the description of the space invader waitress! i would probably shy away from a melancholy maki, but the drink chemistry set sounds like a pretty stellar range. have you ever tried creamy sake? it sounds terrifying but its quite nice – a milder unfiltered version that is also served cold 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant July 31, 2012 Unfiltered saki is actually my first saki love! Love it! But this place doesn’t have any so I have to drink the boring clear type. 0 likes Reply Stacey July 31, 2012 I’m not interested in sushi or violations of personal space. It does sound like a night of terror. 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd August 1, 2012 As an anti-social introvert, this story is terrifying to me. We also eat old people time early, so it could happen to me. So scary. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant August 2, 2012 During lunch today just imagine someone’s head resting on your shoulder… watching… 0 likes Reply Bailey August 5, 2012 I hate to get a close-talker waitress. *Shudders* 0 likes Reply Nina Potts September 22, 2012 I love sushi. One of the little known enticing bits is that its dangerous, more so than people realize, without being as expensive and dangerous as skydiving. For example, you can have a delicious sushi roll, and a few hours later, the excitement of food poisoning for the first time. Its really a gamble, you know the raw fish might do something terrible and yet, you order it anyways. Especially if you live somewhere not natural to sushi, like Phoenix. Damn I love caterpillar rolls. 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!