The Kid-Free Living Manifesto

I’m starting on my official Kid-Free Manifesto. If you think of something I should add, please feel free to let me know!

We, the Livers of the Kid-Free Lifestyle: (not to be confused with the Intestines of the Kid-Free Lifestyle…)

  • Will not produce offspring, even though we know they would be better and smarter than any other kids we’ve ever met.
  • We will be patient with the people who tilt their heads and sadly stare at us when we say we don’t want or don’t have children because they believe we are missing a magical precious thing, all the while reminding ourselves that we are not contributing the over crowding of the planet and that when we’re done talking to these people about diaper changing we can go have a cocktail while they return to their hectic lives.
  • We will always strive to revel in and truly appreciate the fact that we don’t have to tend to the lives of those self-centered disease-carriers known as children by getting out and doing fun things, traveling, eating out… all the things the parents used to enjoy.
  • To satiate any maternal or paternal instincts that just won’t seem to die, we will dote unnecessarily on our dogs (or, in a pinch, cats or other pets). This may include making up nicknames for them, giving them funny voices with which they talk to us, letting them sleep in our beds – refusing to make them move even when our legs and back are beginning to spasm because they are taking up all the room.
  • We will strive to make strong, long-lasting friendships with people younger than us so we have people to take care of us in our old age – just in case our spouses or younger siblings die before us. Otherwise, we are screwed.
Amy Vansant
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2 Responses

  1. LB

    I do love the donut & vodka symbolism…

    you got me thinking now…

    We will only drive a mini-van if our fabulous high-income entrepreneurship dictates it (and even then, we’ll also own crazy fast roadster), only live in a subdivision if it puts us closer to our favorite hockey rink and/or climbing spot (not because we needed space for a swingset and kiddie pool), and never have to make up lame excuses why we can’t chaperone field trips to the zoo.

    We will shamelessly spend the money we earn on our retirement savings and AWESOME toys (cars, motorcycles and boats notwithstanding). The college fund is ours, because hey, why not get another Master’s in our free time not spent watching a bunch of kids play sports that we still do? We will enjoy vacations that don’t involve cartoon characters, ball pits and cotton candy, unless, of course, they’re in the middle of a casino.

    uh-oh, I’m on a rolll…

    and our holiday cards will include real hand-written greetings sharing joie de vivre, not a printout diary of how Tomika, Braydon, Juanita-Leeannaaa and little Billy spent the last year learning how to poop, read and win the spelling bee. Because, honestly, we used to be friends with Mommie (fka Cool College Room-mate) and Daddy (alias Best Wingman EVER) and have never met the litter, so we secretly hope our old pals would save that obnoxious my-own-life-no-longer-exists letter for the grandparents and just come over for a beer once in awhile. Sans litter, of course

    ah… 🙂


  2. Amy Vansant

    Eeeexcellent! I’m glad I inspired you to vent before you started randomly walking around playgrounds shamelessly holding wads of disposable income and barf free blouses under the noses of the parents!



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