The Last Super Bowl

Last Super BowlI’m angry at football this year because we can’t win a bet – time to decide once and for all with one last super bowl.

Road to the Last Super Bowl

Last Super Bowl: AFC East

New England Patriots | Miami Dolphins | New York Jets | Buffalo Bills

Patriots and Buffalo Bill’s can easily kill dolphins with their rifles.  Dolphins are adorable, but out.

Frankly, a jet can’t do much. Patriots and Bills, given time, a manual and a Home Depot gift card, could easily dismantle a jet.  Jets are out.

That leaves us Patriots vs Buffalo Bills. Patriots are circa 1776, which means they have to hand load muskets for each shot. Buffalo Bills are late 1800s, so they have repeating rifles. Have to give it to the Bills.

Winner: Buffalo Bills

Last Super Bowl: AFC North Team

Baltimore Ravens | Pittsburgh Steelers | Cincinnati Bengals | Cleveland Browns

We start by taking out the Browns. A color is too abstract a concept to beat anyone. Particularly brown, which is pretty drab.

In a battle between Ravens and Bengal Tigers, the Ravens could try and stay in the trees as long as possible, but eventually, a cat is going to take out a bird every time.

You have to give the edge to a human steelworker over a tiger, since steelworkers have brains and guns and can build tiger traps. Plus, there’s a whole childhood song that teaches humans to catch a tiger “by the tail.”  Bengals lose.

Winner: Steelers

Last Super Bowl: AFC South Team

Houston Texans | Indianapolis Colts | Tennessee Titans | Jacksonville Jaguars

Clearly Texans have been taming colts forever. A jaguar won’t last long against a dude with a gun, and we can assume any Texan worth his salt has a gun. Texans have clear sailing to the finals. Unfortunately, Titans are actually Gods, and Gods have no problem ‘messing with Texas.’

Winner: Titans

Last Super Bowl: AFC West Team

Denver Broncos | San Diego Chargers | Oakland Raiders | Kansas City Chiefs

The most ornery horse isn’t going to kill a bunch of raiders (which are basically pirates), or chiefs, so the  Broncos are out. The Chargers are just electricity, and since humans can turn that off at the switch, Chargers are out.

In a battle between Indian Chiefs and Pirates, it is a tough call. But my husband is a Raider’s fan, so I’m going to give it to the Raiders.

Winner: Raiders

Last Super Bowl: NFC East Team

New York Giants | Philadelphia Eagles | Dallas Cowboys | Washington Redskins

Cowboys, Redskins and Giants should be able to make short work of Eagles. Hell, they’re already on the endangered species list.

You’d think having Redskins and Cowboys in the same division would be the big draw, but let’s face it, neither can fight a bunch of Giants.

Winner: Giants

Last Super Bowl: NFC North Team

Chicago Bears | Minnesota Vikings | Green Bay Packers | Detroit Lions

I’m not sure a bunch of guys who pack things for a living are going to beat bears, vikings or lions. If you’re going into war, you’re probably not going to pick the staff at Kinkos as your backup. Packers are out.

Armed with axes, swords, and really long mustaches, Vikings defeat Bears and Lions.

Winner: Vikings

Last Super Bowl: NFC South Team

Atlanta Falcons | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | New Orleans Saints| Carolina Panthers

Once again we have humans vs animals, so the Falcons and Panthers are out. Saints are supposed to turn the other cheek, but some have some supernatural powers.

  • St. Denis of Paris’ head kept speaking after it was severed. This is not a helpful skill in battle.
  • St. Margaret of Antioch slayed a dragon but there is no NFL team called The Dragons, so that’s no help.
  • Saint Christopher was supposedly SUPER tall, but that’s just one tall guy.
  • Saint Columbanus had control over animals, but, again, the only animals nearby are the Panthers and Falcons, and they already lost.
  • St. Christina couldn’t be killed after rising from the dead, but she tried really, really hard to kill herself: Throwing herself into fires, allowing herself to be mauled by dogs… so, I’m thinking super powered Sylvia Plath isn’t going to be a problem.
  • St. Joseph might have been able to to fly, but that’s little help against guns.

Going to have to give the edge to to the Buccaneers.

Winner: Buccaneers

Last Super Bowl: NFC West Team

San Francisco 49ers | Arizona Cardinals | Seattle Seahawks | St. Louis Rams

By far, this is the weakest division. There is nothing tough about a cardinal. And even though the stereo type of a 49er is a grizzled, older, probably crazy man digging for gold, there are probably still enough younger ones to take out a bunch of Seahawks and eat the Rams.

Winner: 49ers

The Last Super Bowl: ROUND TWO

Last Super Bowl: AFC Championship

Buffalo Bills | Steelers | Titans | Raiders

Steelworkers are tough, but I just don’t think they’d have the fighting or gun skills of Buffalo Bills and Raiders. They’re out.

The Bills and Raiders start to get a good fight going, and then the Titans come by and smite them all.

Winner: Titans

Last Super Bowl: NFC Championship

Giants | Vikings | Buccaneers| 49ers

Vikings, Buccaneers and 49ers, being normal-sized men, lose.  Giants step on them all.

Winner: Giants


Titans vs Giants

While Titans and Giants are basically synonyms for each other, there is one crucial difference. Actual Titans are supposedly immortal giants of incredible strength and stamina whose children were the Roman/Greek Gods. Granted, Zeus and the boys had some issues with their parents and they defeated them. But this is Titans vs. Giants, and giants are just really big dudes who are NOT immortal. (see: Jack and the Beanstalk.)

In addition, if it was even close, the Titan Atlas, who supposedly holds up the earth, could threaten to drop kick the planet.

Winner: Titans

Sorry, but that’s how it rolls. I don’t like it either. I’m an Eagles fan. I’d like to start a petition to rename them The Super Sonic Invisible Fire Breathing Humongous Immortal Eagle Gods, but the song is going to be awkward to sing.

Amy Vansant
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4 Responses

  1. Angela in Ontario

    I pink puffy heart the Titans – they have been “my” team since the late 90’s. But there is NO WAY they are going to win the Superbowl, even with the immortal thing going for them.



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