Email This Post HomeHumorThong, thong, thong, thong, thong. Amy Vansant January 25, 2010 Humor 3 Comments Lately, I’ve had an important question on my mind. When are you too old to wear a thong? 40? 30? When your ass has official touched the back of your knees? “When you just look ridiculous in them” isn’t a satisfactory answer, because thongs are not solely about titillation. They also serve a functional purpose – they eliminate panty lines. I despise panty lines. Not only are they unattractive, but they involve the word “panty” – quite possibly the most horrible word in the English language. You can’t say “panties” without giggling or feeling just a little bit dirty. Even 1959’s Anatomy of a Murder with Jimmy Stewart has a ten minute shtick about how they can’t say “panties” in the courtroom without the gallery cracking up. Of course, they also spend half the movie implying Lee Remick deserved to be raped for suggestively nudging a pinball machine. Panty lines remind me of standing in the checkout at Talbots with my mother when I was younger. Every woman there had panty lines drawn with an oversized marker. That was the first place I noticed that once your tush flattens to a certain degree, you completely lose your ass crack. Talbots is crack-free as a rehab clinic. It made me sad for my future, and now, I’m not far away from that reality. I fall to my knees and cry out: I don’t want to wear “Pancake-Ass” brand khakis! Even a Ken Doll has an ass crack! Of course, having a nice ass is probably pretty important to Ken. So, how old is too old for a thong? What if they invent “Ass-crack Defining” thongs for older ladies? Will our retirement homes be filled with thong wearing octogenarians? Will we, as old women, wear thongs the way our grandmother’s wore scarves and housedresses? Maybe the test should be that you walk into a Victoria’s Secret or other lingerie store, and you ask the girl there where they keep the thongs. If she happily squeaks “Right over here!” then you are still good to rock the thong. If she blanches and appears to throw up a little in her mouth, then it is time to steer yourself to the full-sized underwear section. Otherwise known as…*sigh* panties. About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Teach Your Dog to Talk, Win a Kindle, Deals & Steals - November 7, 2019 Winners of the Name the Skull Contest, Book Giveaways & Deals - October 29, 2019 The Vultures Show Up, Cool Furniture – Book Giveaways and Deals - October 15, 2019 3 Responses d January 27, 2010 Send a pic, I’ll let you know 0 likes Reply Grace Lewis November 2, 2010 Somehow all of Asia has never heard of thongs. They wear tight pants and long, snug, traditional silk dresses and the panty (gag!) lines are so prominent you’d think they were on purpose. So much for a long elegant line of dress. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant November 2, 2010 Really? All those dainty little girls in grandmom panties? How strange. You should entrepreneur their asses (literally) and start the trend. Get Gwen Stefani on board and you’ll have a winner for sure! 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!