Threat Letters to Santa

I noticed my niece was looking a little down. Seems she didn’t get everything she wanted from Santa last year. So, feeling for the the greedy little gremlin, I agreed to help her out and create a very special letter to Santa.



As a bonus, she took her letter to show and tell and is now seen as a leader among her peers. At first, she was a little concerned about how much her friends seemed to fear her, but I gave her a copy of Machiavelli’s The Prince and circled the bit in the Cliffs Notes about how it is better to be feared than loved.

She’s a kid, so her natural instincts are to be evil. Turns out she’s a natural. She’s starting to demand gifts from the kids a whole grade above her. I’m going to get her the Art of War for Christmas.

Want to help your children rule over their peers? All you need is:

  1. Clown nose
  2. Ketchup
  3. Old earring box


Good luck!

Amy Vansant
Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all)

12 Responses

  1. Abby

    Perfect! I once blogged about a letter I wrote to the Tooth Fairy calling her lazy ass out, so your niece is a girl after my own heart, the cold little stone that it is.

    However, I think the whole Rudolph thing is a cover on Santa’s part. Does he really care about the little guy? If I were your niece, I would go deeper and threaten to upset the elf assembly lines or cookie distribution. Or that a nasty blog post would be written about the labor laws and lack of reciprocal Tweets from the fat guy.

    But this letter is a great start…


  2. Lance

    Last christmas when my girls (then 6 & 7) wrote their Santa letters, the first paragraphs were bitching about stuff they didn’t get. Of course the good parent part of me got on to them, gave them a lecture about the spirit of Christmas, and had them change their letters to more positive tones.

    Then I walked into the next room and laugehd so hard I started choking.

    Art of War is a great idea. Then call those dudes at The Deadliest Warrior on Spike TV and tell them to your niece and my 8 year old will be the subject of their next episode. There’s a little boy down the street who took her scooter. She got it back from him in less than 5 minutes and he hasn’t left the hosue since.



  3. Amy Vansant

    I had someone steal my best friend’s Easter egg once and had to go to her house and threaten her to get it back. I think between our deep-seeded issues, and your progeny and my nieces, we could wreck this joint…


  4. Tracy

    Love the line about kids’ natural evilness. The Omen has always freaked me out, probably more than most people, because I don’t think Damien’s behavior is that far off children who aren’t the Antichrist.

    My oldest nephew is in college now and just signed up for Twitter yesterday. Makes me wish for the days when I could help him write his letter to Santa, you know, when I was less old.


    • Amy Vansant

      Yeah, it’s pretty much a fact that every evil character in literature and movies is based on your average 4 year old.



    One summer when my daughter was three I was playing a game with her where I’d pick up the phone and pretend I was talking to Santa. “Oh, hi Santa! Yes, she HAS been a very naughty girl, and she told me that she doesn’t want anything for Xmas. Ok, bye!”

    Then she’d grab the phone from me and try to fix the damage. “No, daddy has been naughty, not me!”

    Finally she got frustrated, snatched the phone out of my hands mid-sentence and said, “Listen Santa, you bring me everything I want OR I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD!” She slammed the phone down, thought about what she’d said for 10 seconds, and then begged us through a flurry of tears to call Santa back and tell him she was just kidding.



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