Email This Post HomeHumorThreat Letters to Santa Amy Vansant November 16, 2011 Humor 12 Comments I noticed my niece was looking a little down. Seems she didn’t get everything she wanted from Santa last year. So, feeling for the the greedy little gremlin, I agreed to help her out and create a very special letter to Santa. As a bonus, she took her letter to show and tell and is now seen as a leader among her peers. At first, she was a little concerned about how much her friends seemed to fear her, but I gave her a copy of Machiavelli’s The Prince and circled the bit in the Cliffs Notes about how it is better to be feared than loved. She’s a kid, so her natural instincts are to be evil. Turns out she’s a natural. She’s starting to demand gifts from the kids a whole grade above her. I’m going to get her the Art of War for Christmas. Want to help your children rule over their peers? All you need is: Clown nose Ketchup Old earring box Good luck! About Latest Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Two Big Favors (YOU can get me on TV), Giveaways and Deals - January 22, 2020 A Free Book, a New Release, 2 99c Books…Giveaway and Deals - January 14, 2020 How’d you like to read a Pineapple Port screenplay? Cozy giveaway and deals… - January 11, 2020 12 Responses Name (Required) November 16, 2011 I kind of wish you were my Aunt. 0 likes Reply Abby November 16, 2011 Perfect! I once blogged about a letter I wrote to the Tooth Fairy calling her lazy ass out, so your niece is a girl after my own heart, the cold little stone that it is. However, I think the whole Rudolph thing is a cover on Santa’s part. Does he really care about the little guy? If I were your niece, I would go deeper and threaten to upset the elf assembly lines or cookie distribution. Or that a nasty blog post would be written about the labor laws and lack of reciprocal Tweets from the fat guy. But this letter is a great start… 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant November 16, 2011 Ooh… yeah… maybe next year I’ll have her send him Spock ears and ask him if he knows where all his elves are… 0 likes Reply Lance November 16, 2011 Last christmas when my girls (then 6 & 7) wrote their Santa letters, the first paragraphs were bitching about stuff they didn’t get. Of course the good parent part of me got on to them, gave them a lecture about the spirit of Christmas, and had them change their letters to more positive tones. Then I walked into the next room and laugehd so hard I started choking. Art of War is a great idea. Then call those dudes at The Deadliest Warrior on Spike TV and tell them to your niece and my 8 year old will be the subject of their next episode. There’s a little boy down the street who took her scooter. She got it back from him in less than 5 minutes and he hasn’t left the hosue since. lol 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant November 16, 2011 I had someone steal my best friend’s Easter egg once and had to go to her house and threaten her to get it back. I think between our deep-seeded issues, and your progeny and my nieces, we could wreck this joint… 0 likes Reply Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 16, 2011 Brilliant! Does Santa negotiate with terrorists? I’m not sure what his policy is on that. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant November 16, 2011 Yes, but you immediately go onto to the “coal in stocking” list. 0 likes Reply Tracy November 16, 2011 Love the line about kids’ natural evilness. The Omen has always freaked me out, probably more than most people, because I don’t think Damien’s behavior is that far off children who aren’t the Antichrist. My oldest nephew is in college now and just signed up for Twitter yesterday. Makes me wish for the days when I could help him write his letter to Santa, you know, when I was less old. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant November 16, 2011 Yeah, it’s pretty much a fact that every evil character in literature and movies is based on your average 4 year old. 0 likes Reply DogsOnDrugs.com November 16, 2011 One summer when my daughter was three I was playing a game with her where I’d pick up the phone and pretend I was talking to Santa. “Oh, hi Santa! Yes, she HAS been a very naughty girl, and she told me that she doesn’t want anything for Xmas. Ok, bye!” Then she’d grab the phone from me and try to fix the damage. “No, daddy has been naughty, not me!” Finally she got frustrated, snatched the phone out of my hands mid-sentence and said, “Listen Santa, you bring me everything I want OR I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD!” She slammed the phone down, thought about what she’d said for 10 seconds, and then begged us through a flurry of tears to call Santa back and tell him she was just kidding. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant November 17, 2011 Thank you for making my point!! 0 likes Reply bschooled November 17, 2011 Seriously, this almost makes me want to have kids. Almost. 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!