To the people who keep trying to feed my dog

I’d like to note this post had a whole bunch of likes and whatnot but I lost that when I moved it over from the other site. Suffices to say it was popular!

Laura’s Web Site:

Dear LSB:  I hate people who call my dog and then ask “Does it bite?” People see my 5 month-old Bernese Mountain Dog and because she’s cute and fluffy they assume it’s OK to call her, come near us, offer her unwanted biscuits and every kind of inappropriate food. Then when they are 10cm from the dog, and she sniffs them, and THEN they ask “It doesn’t bites, does it?” or they jump back saying “Hold it! Hold it!” — Silvia

Dear Dog-Lover:

Hold it! Hold it! Before you invite yourself to pet my dog or feed her that delicious looking caramel-filled chocolate candy (because we all know how much dogs like chocolate) please heed this warning:

She bites.

Well, not really, but since you seem to want to ask me the “does it bite?” question immediately after tempting her with treats that may or may not be poisonous, I’ve decided that I’m just going to go ahead and tell you that she bites.

In addition, if you continue to refer to my dog as, “it,” instead of “she,” then I will, in fact, bite you myself. And I have really sharp teeth. And I was foaming at the mouth earlier this morning when I woke up. Come to think of it, that might have just been drool. But do you really want to risk it?

Let me put this into perspective for you. Next time I see you walking down the street with your toddler, I shall instantly approach your child, without your permission, and offer “it” the most sugar packed cookie I could find at the store. And a Red Bull. However, right before I hand your child the cookie, I will recoil in horror and throw the cookie on the ground, making sure it gets thoroughly covered in germs before your kid picks it up and ingests it. Oh yeah, nothing like a nice vomit inducing, diarrhea creating bacteria for little Timmy. I can only hope that your pride and joy is attached to that leash you insist on putting on him that so closely matches the one I put on my dog. How sweet it will be when we can compare pets. “Oh he’s so cute, what’s his name? How old is he? Oh my, he’s so big for his age! Can he do tricks?”

After I feed little Timmy and pat him on the head, I will walk away smugly. Why? Because, no matter how old she gets, my pet will always obey my orders. Your pet will eventually start giving them to you.

Thank you,

Dog Owner

P.S. Word on the playground is, Timmy bites.

Amy Vansant
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4 Responses

  1. lori-stein-therwanger

    I love this and so agree. I always say “he can be mean” when they ask if he bites, because you really never know if a dog will bite, He is a dog and dogs bite. My pappillon squinches his nose sometimes like a human when he doesn’t like something. Picky boy does so for steak sometimes. So if you are asking if you can feed my dog something it better be gourmet. As for other dogs he doesn’t want them around and people who ride bikes, jog, skateboard, rollerbladers, fast walkers and geese at the lake. You can pet him if you want…but I wouldn’t if I were you.


  2. Amy

    I just totally pictured a little Papillion squinching up his nose and it totally made my morning.

    We NEVER gave our dog people food, and consequently he doesn’t beg every time we eat. But every time we take him to a friend/family’s house someone is trying to toss him a potato chip or something. And when you tell them not to, they look at you like you’re cruel. “He’s a DOG…just let him eat it… ” blah blah blah.


  3. Jessica

    Cats bite too – as a home inspector recently learned at our apartment. We live in an apt above a garage and the owners of the property are selling. An inspection took place while we weren’t home (but we were notified; not unusual, we’ve been through a ton of showings to prospective buyers.) But the inspector took it upon himself to touch or pick up our cat – still not sure what happened since no one was there. He got bit. The cat got taken to kitty jail for 13 days per local laws for animal bites. Came home sick for three weeks. Is finally recovering from the trauma. We are now moving and forever more warning ANYONE that, yes, he does bite if you touch him.


  4. Sylvia

    OMG when I feeded the box with this I didn’t expect such wonderfully hilarious reply!
    It seems that you’ve read my mind! And for sure I’ll hand this to those who will try to feed my dog again
    Thank you so much!

    PS: you should put a “donate” button on the homepage (or enhance it if there is one) ^_*



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