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What is Vodka?

Amy Vansant
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what is vodkaWhat is Vodka?

In the strictest terms, vodka is “An alcoholic spirit of Russian origin made by distillation of rye, wheat, or potatoes.”

But what is vodka…really?

It is the source of my secret shame.

What is vodka?

Missing.

Vodka is the thing I ran out of last weekend. On a Saturday. When we had good orange juice in the house.

Horrifying, I know. I don’t mean to upset you, but those are simply the facts.

What do you do when you run out of vodka on a Saturday? Do you get dressed and go to the liquor store down the street with that awful girl at the counter who always looks like she’s been chewing a mouth full of Oreo cookies?  The girl with her incessant: “don’t put your bottles on the counter while you shop, why not use a cart?” and “we have carts if you need one” and “hey, want a cart?”

I know you have carts. You also have aisles exactly the width of said carts. I’m also only buying a few things more than I can carry. Say “cart” again and I’m going to fill up a cart with one thing from every corner of the store and then leave it. It will take you, like, a half an hour to put things back. And on top I’ll leave a note to your boss that tells him how much more pleasant you are when he’s there than when he’s not.

And I would, too, if it wasn’t the closest place with vodka. She’s got me over a barrel there. Do they make vodka in barrels? That would be ironic.

What is vodka? 

Is it worth getting banned from the liquor store? More importantly, is it worth putting on a bra and shoes on a Saturday?

Ha! Not when your parents have a house down the street where they have vodka. A place you can drive in your sweatpants and fuzzy slippers and no one will care.

So that’s what I did. I borrowed a cup of vodka from the neighbors. And by cup I mean I brought home a half a gallon of Stolichnaya (known as simply ‘stoli’ by those in the know, those of us who watched Absolutely Fabulous and actually dreamed of growing up to be Patsy).

I also picked up Subway, so that takes the curse off it. Subway, Eat, Lush. The Subway girls have seen me at my sloppiest. They’re cool.

But STOP! oh judgmental one. Borrowing vodka and appearing in public in fuzzy slippers clutching a half empty bottle of vodka isn’t the shameful part. Really, I’m surprised you went there.

The shameful part is that my parents were due to return the next weekend, so I had to get replacement vodka. If parents find out you “borrowed a cup of vodka” from them, they start thinking you have a “problem”  and maybe you should “try a glass of milk” once in a while because it is “good for your bones. ”

Best to keep your daring Stoli Impossible type activities to yourself.

So I went to the miserable liquor store where I usually buy Svedka Vodka. Not because it is was voted best vodka of 2033, because that’s just stupid and a feeble excuse to slap a naked girl robot on their advertising.

I didn’t remember why I’d switched to Svedka… until I saw the Stoli.

750 ounces of Stoli was $34.99. 750 ounces of Svedka was $19.99

What is Vodka?

Expensive.

So I bought two bottles of Svedka vodka. I took them home, and I poured half of one into the Stoli bottle.

Then I returned the “Stoli” to my parents house.

What is vodka?

For you Mom and Dad… maybe not exactly what you think it is.

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.
Amy Vansant

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14 Responses

  1. Amy B

    I don’t think I’d put my bra on to go out and get vodka. Granted, my liquor store is at the corner of the block, making it not that big of a deal. However, I think vodka understands- when you need it, you need it. No time for such frivelous things like underwear.

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  2. Abby

    Truth be told I rarely drink, but when I do it’s usually a vodka gimlet. But because I’m a lightweight if I have more than one drink my bra ends off anyway, so why not just cut out the middle man?

    I think vodka understands.

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  3. Lance

    I’m a beer and whiskey (jack daniels) person but Bobina is a huge vodka fan. I don’t know if there are any blonde busty Russians that stopped off in Ireland before the States but there must be.

    She ran out Monday.

    Me: “we’re out of shampoo”
    Her: “and vodka”
    Me: “we’re out of paper towels”
    Her: “and vodka”

    So, you two should drink together

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  4. Tea

    I wish I had neighbors that were the “borrowing vodka” type. Since I do not, I’m forced to put a bra on whenever I run out.

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  7. Tiffany N. York

    At least you didn’t fill the bottle with water a la high school days.

    And unless you’re wearing a white wifebeater out, no bra is necessary–as long as you have on a shirt, oversized sweatshirt, and jacket.

    (And I wonder why I’m single…)

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  9. Mom

    Thanks for the heads up….Dad and I just installed a lock on the liquor cabinet!

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  10. Doreen

    Get a Britta water filter pitcher and a jumbo pack of replacement filters. Run the cheap vodka through the filter a couple of times (3 or 4 times) and then pour the filtered vodka in the expensive bottle. Throw away the filters from the pitcher. Or not, if you like vodka flavored water. You just made expensive vodka from the cheap. Yay!

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  11. Carrie

    You know what really sucks? Your sister in law working at the closest liquor store.

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