What are Italian Seasonings?

A blend of dried herbs, usually including oregano, basil, rosemary, thyme, sage, marjoram, and red pepper.

In New Jersey, where I grew up in little Sicily, Italian seasonings are considered a food group, much the way hair gel was considered a “necessity,” ranking just between food and air.

What are Italian Seasonings in the hand of a man who started the Italian meal with the Italian wine perhaps a touch too early?

• a fire smothering agent
• a pizza destroying herb
• a new pizza style that will never catch on
• all of the above

I first heard the anguished cries of my beloved Mikey when he forgot to put sauce on the little pita pizza he was making. Forgot to put sauce on it. How do you forget to sauce a pizza??

Then I heard, “OH NO. …. Oh no…. Oh NOoo…”

“What now?” I asked, heading into the kitchen to be sure he didn’t remove a digit. That’s when I saw this:

 

A pizza with 3″ of Italian seasonings on top.

“How the hell did you do that?” I asked. That’s when he pointed to the Italian seasonings jar next to the pizza.

Ah, the old “opened the scoop-out side instead of the shaker side of the Italian seasonings” trick.

It fixable? A pizza that looks he stopped half way through making it to hay the horses?

I’ve heard sometimes pot dealers sell dumb kids oregano in baggies and pretend it is pot, but I don’t know where to find a dozen dumb kids to carefully scrape this mess into rolling paper.

Perhaps a herd of tiny alpacas?*

I thought the Great Pyrenees dog there to watch over them was a nice touch, in case there are tiny wolves in the area.

 

---

Special thanks to Victory Ranch Alpacas for the use of their alpaca photo. (they’re full sized in real life.)

* Don’t really feed Italian seasonings to alpacas. Especially tiny ones.

 

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Amy Vansant

Amy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries.

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9 Responses

1. 

   SarcasticNinja March 6, 2013

   I would add extra Italian seasoning to my pizza on purpose if it meant I could have access to a herd of tiny alpacas to graze on it.

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   • 

     Amy Vansant March 6, 2013

     Me too.

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2. 

   Abby March 6, 2013

   The obvious answer is to make two more pita pizzas and distribute the excess seasonings onto those and then consume all three immediately. Duh.

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   • 

     Amy Vansant March 6, 2013

     Hm. Well. Where the hell were you that day?

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3. 

   bill major March 6, 2013

   i dont kniow amy, from my experiance,that looks like weed on top of the food lol Italian weed at that !

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4. 

   Tiffany N. York March 6, 2013

   Call 1-800-PIZ-ZAPI and tell them to get to you in 30 minutes or less.

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5. 

   Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point March 6, 2013

   I like to sprinkle Brewer’s yeast on my popcorn and I have done this exact thing multiple times. Unfortunately tiny alpacas have a hard time maneuvering around on the popcorn so I have to get tiny mountain goats to clean things up.

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6. 

   Michele Drier March 6, 2013

   I know people who have Italian seasoning, but until now I didn’t know anyone with a herd of tiny alpacas. And a tiny Great Pyrennes! How cooolll!

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7. 

   Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd March 6, 2013

   Now I’m hungry for pizza and want a tiny alpaca. Thanks a lot.

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