Birthday Clowns = #BirthdayFail
When Hallmark and their #BirthdayFail campaign asked me to write about a #BirthdayFail, I racked my brain for funny stories about birthdays gone horribly wrong. Sadly, it seems my birthday experiences have all been pretty positive. So, I tried to think of the worse birthday I could imagine, and the longer I did that, the more I thought about birthday clowns. I suffer from a fear of clowns, also known as “Coulrophobia;” a word someone in the ’80s made up shortly after watching Poltergeist.
Wait… did the clown on the right there just move?
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The 7 Least Requested Birthday Clowns at Rent-a-Clown (#BirthdayFail):
7. Shakey the Clown
Shakey will delight you with is antics and his “brown paper bag of magic sauce!” Shakey has been a clown since 1964 and, hey, do you happen to have a little vodka in the house somewhere? Maybe some Canadian Club? Mouthwash?
6. Stabby the Clown
Stabby is the foremost knife juggling clown in the country, boasting one less party fatalities than his closest competitor, Leave it to Cleaver, thanks to that mistrial.
5. Camoo – The Existentialist Birthday Clown
Camoo could make you a balloon animal, but what would be the point?
4. Hipster The Clown
Dressed ironically in floppy shoes and hemp-based greasepaint, Hipster Clown won’t entertain you with magic, but he will slouch in the corner of your party and resist any attempts at interaction. If you ask politely, he will swallow a hundred tiny clown cars, so the cars are in the clown, instead of the clowns in the car.
No, of course you don’t. He never thought you would. Hipster is bored with you.
3. Toobie – The Tuberculosis Clown
After contracting tuberculosis most other clowns would have given up, but not Toobie! Toobie will delight your guests with his dead on impression of Doc Holiday in Tombstone. Is that red paint on Toobie’s chin or is he coughing up a lung? He’ll never tell!
2. Tuhchee The Clown
Once you sign the paperwork that, as a registered sex offender, Tuhchee has to have you sign by law, the fun can begin! Tuhchee is no longer allowed to work children’s parties, parties with women present, parties with adult or adolescent chimpanzees, or parties with men with “pretty mouths,” but for every other event… well he’s probably a poor choice there, too.
1. Every Mime Ever
And for the fun of it, here’s one of Hallmark’s #BirthdayFail YouTube videos featuring the guys from Duck Dynasty:
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