Email This Post HomeHumorYou Have No Idea What You’re Doing to Your Children Amy Vansant December 18, 2013 Humor, Women's Humor 6 Comments Canadian bacon can piss off, too, while we’re at it. In the Parents Lottery, I did pretty damn well. I am not complaining. They’re still married (nearly 50 years), they successfully hid most of their fights from me, and I always felt like they would love me unconditionally (unless, of course, I didn’t get all As, but then, I wouldn’t deserve their love, now would I?). But though I had Ozzie and Harriet for parents, they still scarred me for life. My mother, for example, has made it nearly impossible for me to enjoy buffet brunches. Why? Because if I smell or see eggs and syrup at the same time, I gag. This Pavlovian response is as much my mother’s fault as if she kept me in a cage and rang a bell every time she fed me. Which in all fairness, she only did while she was finishing her thesis “Children, Cages and Bells.” Any good torturer will attest, conditioning is a big part of breaking someone. At least I think so. I’d ask my mother if it’s true, but I she’d be all “I did not torture you” and “No, I’ve never been to GITMO, what the hell are you talking about” blah, blah, blah. I can reveal her technique, though, and you can be the judge. Every time my parents hired a babysitter, Mom would make me waffles. To be sure the waffles were extra nutritious, she’d put a fried egg on top. The whole concoction was then covered in syrup, so I loved it, and mom felt like I was eating a healthy meal. See? She’s a monster. Maybe offering me “healthy candy” helped assuage Mom’s guilt for dining out and enjoying fondue in her polyester pantsuit when she should have been watching me sing The Brady Bunch theme song into a makeshift microphone made from a toilet plunger. Maybe, instead of enjoying her once a monthly scotch, orange juice & Sweet n’ Low, Mother Dearest should have been watching me enact scenes from The Bionic Woman that I totally made up because my bedtime was earlier than the show’s airtime. I don’t know. Who knows what goes through the mind of a madwoman? I had waffles and eggs so many times over the course of my young life, that at some point, I broke. I didn’t realize it until years later, when I caught a whiff of warm syrup bubbling next to an egg station at a brunch, and gagged. That smell, I thought, my mind racing to place it. I had a flash of sitting over Peter Rabbit printed plates, pushing waffles and eggs through a sea of Aunt Jemima. Riiight. Waffles and (erk) eggs. So, think about it. What have you done today that will ruin your child for life? I never did get this damn van. Just as well. In retrospect looks like a bunch of hippie shit. Maybe you tucked him lovingly into bed just a little too tightly? Wiped greasy chicken fat from her mouth in front of a crowded restaurant? Maybe… and I hesitate to even mention this… maybe you didn’t shop early enough to buy the “Sunshine Family Family Van” toy and instead left a note from Santa promising to bring it by later? Remember that Mom? Oh, I do. I do. Author Recent Posts Amy VansantAmy Vansant is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal Best-Selling author specializing in fun, funny fiction --- even the murder mysteries. Latest posts by Amy Vansant (see all) Critters everywhere, giveaways and book deals… - July 10, 2020 Cover Reveal (again), Reading Poll + 4 ways to win a kindle - June 25, 2020 Why I shouldn’t be allowed to decorate cakes, book giveaways and deals! - June 16, 2020 6 Responses When I Blink December 18, 2013 I love this paragraph so much I can’t even stand it: “Maybe offering me “healthy candy” helped assuage Mom’s guilt for dining out and enjoying fondue in her polyester pantsuit when she should have been watching me sing The Brady Bunch theme song into a makeshift microphone made from a toilet plunger. Maybe, instead of enjoying her once a monthly scotch, orange juice & Sweet n’ Low, Mother Dearest should have been watching me enact scenes from The Bionic Woman that I totally made up because my bedtime was earlier than the show’s airtime. ” I am clapping. 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant December 18, 2013 I can only hope you didn’t suffer the same indignation… though… since you’re a writer, too, I can only guess how many plunger concerts went bitterly unheard at your house… 0 likes Reply Deb December 18, 2013 Some parents will do anything in order for their kids to eat healthy, like what your mom did to put syrup on top of the eggs and waffles. My breakfast consisted of JUST candy —- Fruity Pebbles. Don’t feel bad, I think we all have had our torture! :p 0 likes Reply Amy Vansant December 18, 2013 OMG I LOVE Fruity Pebbles! I forgot all about them… now I have to go get some… thanks! 0 likes Reply Melissa Marie December 18, 2013 My brother in law thinks it’s weird that my sister and I won’t walk with our hands in our pockets. Because, of course, we’ll fall down and break our wrists. You won’t see those dreaded broken wrists in my family, no sir. And now that all hoodies have thumb holes my mom is in heaven… 0 likes Reply bluzdude December 18, 2013 I was denied Pop Tarts and all the “good” cereals like Frosted Flakes and Capn’ Crunch. We had to eat breakfast that was “good for us,” meaning, “tastes like kitty litter,” and never had any prizes inside. I still harbor the burning resentment, and scarf up Pop Tarts whenever I have the chance. 0 likes Reply Leave a Reply to Amy Vansant Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Add me to Amy Vansant's Humor Newsletter!